


That Stupid Trenchcoat

by leit_sed3



Series: That Stupid Trenchcoat [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alcoholic Dean, Alcoholic Dean Winchester, Amnesiac Castiel, Angry Dean, Angry Dean Winchester, Apocalypse, Arguing, Canon Compliant, Castiel and Bees, Castiel in Purgatory, Castiel's Trenchcoat, Crazy Castiel, Dead Castiel, Dean Has Nightmares, Dean Has PTSD - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Dean Prays, Dean Winchester Takes Care of Castiel, Dean in Purgatory, Episode: s04e02 Are You There God? It's Me Dean Winchester, Episode: s04e07 It's the Great Pumpkin Sam Winchester, Episode: s07e01 Meet the New Boss, Episode: s07e02 Hello Cruel World, Episode: s07e05 Shut Up Dr Phil, Episode: s07e17 The Born-Again Identity, Episode: s07e21 Reading is Fundamental, Episode: s07e23 Survival of the Fittest, Episode: s08e02 What's Up Tiger Mommy?, Episode: s08e07 A Little Slice of Kevin, Episode: s08e08 Hunteri Heroici, Episode: s08e10 Torn and Frayed, Episode: s08e17 Goodbye Stranger, Episode: s08e22 Clip Show, Episode: s08e23 Sacrifice, Flashbacks, Hunter Castiel, Hurt Dean Winchester, Hurt Sam Winchester, Internal Conflict, Internal Monologue, Leviathan Castiel, M/M, Metatron Being a Dick, Naomi Being a Dick, POV Dean Winchester, Presumed Dead, Purgatory, Regretful Dean, Repressed Memories, Road Trips, Sad Dean Winchester, Sam Hallucinates, Sarcastic Castiel, Sharing a Bed, Suicidal Castiel, Tablets, Torturer Dean, Trials
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-28
Updated: 2017-06-19
Packaged: 2018-03-26 04:18:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 25
Words: 31,319
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3836803
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leit_sed3/pseuds/leit_sed3
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Enriching and delving deeper into Cas/Dean moments: What went on in Dean's head. Season 7 and 8 with some flashbacks from previous seasons.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Not Love, Not Respect, Just Fear

“Stop. What’s the point if you don’t mean it?”

My mouth twitched upwards, maybe he’s just joking. But then he continues, all the while looking into my eyes.

“You fear me. Not love, not respect, just fear.”

Not love. That part cuts. But it’s true. All my emotions have been blocked out by fear. Not fear that he would kill me, but fear that he, that we, would never be the same. He tells Bobby to get up and Sam to stop talking to him. But he says nothing to me. I try to reason with him.

“Cas, come on. This isn’t you.”

“The Castiel _you knew_ is gone. “

He emphasizes those words. The Cas I knew… The Cas I knew was pure and good. He smiled at me and gently led me into the belief of a God. Even after four bullet holes and a knife wound in that stupid trenchcoat, he was patient and kind to me.

“What a brave little ant you are…” I stare at him, incredulous. “I have no need to kill you, not now. Besides” he smiles at me “Once you were my favorite pets (he turns to Bobby) before you turned and bit me”

“Who are you?” I ask.

“I’m God.”

I think back to the first time I asked him that…

_“Who are you?”_

_“Castiel”_

_“I know that but what are you?”_

_“I’m an angel of the Lord”_

So simple. So pure. _I’m an angel of the Lord._ But I didn’t believe him then. Now, as he answers the same question, I still don’t believe him. Not because I think he’s lying or that I don’t deserve it, but because I don’t believe Cas, my Cas, would go so far, would fall so far from goodness.

*

So I fix my car. That’s all I can do. I tell Bobby that we should just keep our heads down, but I keep my ears open for the word "trenchcoat". I leave the radio on and follow his path of destruction. I stay up all night, not because “I’m on a roll and I can’t stop now, Sammy”, but because when I’m out in the yard alone, I can think. I rack my brain all night for a way to talk to him, to get him to change his mind. One night Sam comes out to help me. The topic strays to Cas and I can’t help myself. “Cas is never coming back. He’s lied to us, he’s used us, he cracked your gourd like it was nothing! No more talking, we’ve spent enough on him” The way Sam says “ok” makes me realize that I had shown way too much emotion than I meant to and I needed to shut up now before my rant got worse.

*

“Call him what you want, just kill him now!”

As soon as the words left my mouth, I felt my heart stop. _What am I doing? This is CAS._ He turns to me silently and just looks at me. I can’t read his emotions, but I can feel mine. Pain, fear, hurt, despair, terror, guilt, misery, lo-. No, not love. _This isn’t Cas anymore,_ I tell myself, _your Cas is gone._

_*_

Back in the lab, I’m running as fast as I can to set everything up. I keep looking over at him. My Cas, my Cas again. Bloody, but mine. I’m still pissed, but relieved and worried that this plan will kill him. His trenchcoat is covered in grime and blood as he sits on the floor watching me.

*

The door opens. He turns back with the last strength he has “I’m sorry, Dean.” and releases the souls back into Purgatory.

He collapses. It takes me a second to register what happened. I run to him and check to see if he’s breathing. “Maybe angels don’t need to breathe” I supply hopefully. My mind travels to a myriad of stupid moments with him. Cas huffing out air indignantly when I called him a baby in a trenchcoat. Cas stepping too close to me and me pretending to be annoyed by it. Cas staring into my eyes as if forgetting the world was still living all around him, just lost in his eyes. I just sit there, not caring that my hand is still gripping his shoulder, where he gripped me. His trenchcoat seems rougher than usual. Maybe, if I hold on, he won’t go. “He’s gone, Dean.” Bobby’s voice shakes me from my thoughts. _He’s gone…_ I notice my hand is shaking so I take it off him. “Damn it” My voice breaks and I stand up. I try to steel my emotions by focusing my anger at him. “Cas, you child.”

He opens his eyes and my anger melts. I rush over to him to help him up. I grab his hand and his arm and lift him. Once he’s up, I let go of his hand, but I leave my hand on his shoulder for a little while longer under the pretense of making sure he stays upright, but I’m just confirming that this isn’t a dream; Cas is back, he’s alive. I keep my hand there as long as I can.

“I’ll try to find a way to redeem myself to you” He looks straight at me, not Bobby, as if I’m the only one there, the only one who matters. “I mean it, Dean”

*

“You need to go now! I can’t hold them back! Dean, they’re so strong!”

I tell Bobby to go get Sam, but I can’t leave Cas. But when I turn around, Cas is standing, smiling at me. But it’s not his smile, this smile is… twisted. “Too late”. He pulls me in forcefully, panting, and smiles his twisted smile again. “Cas is, hmm, he’s gone. He’s dead.” The words coming out of Cas’s mouth are evil and wicked, reveling in darkness. It breaks my heart to see Cas, or whatever is controlling Cas making him say these things.

*

The last I see of Cas is his back as he walks into the reservoir. His trenchcoat is dripping black goo. The Leviathans scatter and disappear into the water. I just stand there staring at the same spot where I saw his head go down. I hear something lapping against the shore with the waves and look down. I choke back a sob. That stupid trenchcoat- clean from dirt, blood, and goo and soaking wet. I take it out of the water and gingerly fold it. “Ok, so he’s gone.” I try to smile and push the pain away, but I fail miserably. My bottom lip is trembling but I can’t stop myself from speaking. “Dumb son of a bitch.” My voice catches. I stare at the trenchcoat in my hands and grip it tighter. Sam makes no comment when he sees me place it in my lap and clutch it the entire ride home.


	2. Come Wake Me Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set during "Shut Up, Dr. Phil" with flashbacks of "It's the Great Pumpkin, Sam Winchester" and "Are You There, God? It's Me, Dean Winchester". Dean can't sleep- again. Cas' death haunts him still.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Come Wake Me Up" by Rascal Flatts can be played during the first part of the chapter.

I can’t sleep. I turn to the clock on the nightstand. _4:23._ I listen to the sounds of life outside this motel room. A door slams, cars drive by. A faint song starts to play- some sort of love ballad that seems out of place in this part of town. I slowly get out of bed, and walk to the fridge. _Beer will do me good._ I sit back down and open the bottle. As the song continues, I strain to hear the lyrics.

“I can usually drink you right off of my mind  
But I miss you tonight  
I can normally push you right out of my heart  
But I'm too tired to fight”

I take another swig of beer. This song reminds me of him… My mind wanders to a memory I had forgotten and I’m too tired to push it away.

~

_I’m sitting on a park bench mulling over my thoughts. Something in the atmosphere changes, a presence; I know it’s him._

_“Let me guess you’re here for the 'I told you so'. ” I begin. I’m tired of him causing trouble- I could have done the job if those dicks hadn’t interfered. Them and their stupid ‘orders’._

_“So I, uh, failed your test, huh? I get it. But you know what? If you would have waved that magic time-traveling wand of yours and we had to do it all over again, I’d make the same call.”_

_Angels don’t understand anything. They don’t get it. I was content being pissed at him, but then he had to go and throw me a curveball._

_“You misunderstand me, Dean, I’m not like you think. I was praying that you would choose to save the town.”_

_I stop. He was … siding with me? He believed in what I did. He wanted to save them. My anger dissipated and I sat dumbstruck as he continued._

_“Can I tell you something if you promise not to tell another soul? I’m not a… hammer as you say. I have questions, I have doubts. I don’t know what is right and what is wrong anymore.”_

_An angel with his own thoughts. Impressed, I realize that I now respect the guy. Weird feeling, since all I wanted to do 10 minutes ago was punch him in the face. He turns to me and I hold his gaze. His eyes are so blue and fierce… After a minute, I realize that we’ve been staring at each other and I quickly look away and pretend to be interested in the playground. When I turn back, his bench is empty. “Just like Batman…” I think. “He waits for you to look away, and then Bam! he’s gone.” I try to picture Cas in a black cape instead of that stupid trenchcoat, but it doesn’t look right. I sit there for a little longer collecting my thoughts and come to the conclusion:_

_Maybe Cas isn’t so bad._

_~_

A snore from Sam's bed wakes me from my thoughts. I look at my phone.  _This is such a sappy thing to do..._ But I'm too drunk to care anymore and I dial his number. By some miracle, his phone still works. _Maybe it fell out before -_ The phone rings out and I hear his voice again. I feel slightly less alone as I listen to his stupid recording. " _I... I don't understand... Why do you want me to say my name?"_ I curse myself for not saving any of his voicemails. I take a sip, hang up and dial again. My bottle is empty, so I stumble back to the kitchen and open another one.

~

_I wake up with the same change in the atmosphere and I look to the kitchen. He's there. Gosh, that's kinda creepy. I look at Sam- he's still sleeping. Why does no one else know he's here? I slowly get up and walk over to him._

_"I thought angels were supposed to be guardians. Fluffy wings, halos -- you know, Michael Landon. Not dicks."_

_He smile_ s _at me "Read the Bible"_

_As he continues, I feel my anger growing. Why did he leave me alone during this? I almost died! Isn't the perks of having an angel to protect you is... having an angel PROTECT you?_

_"The Lord works-" he tries_

_"If you say "mysterious ways," so help me, I will kick your ass."_

_As soon as the words come out of my mouth, I realize that I'm walking a very fine line here. Dude's an angel. I don't want to know what happens when you piss an angel off. Probably get struck by lightning or something. But he doesn't get mad. He smiles. Why is he always smiling?! I'm trying to be mean here! Then he hits me with the friggin' apocalypse_.

_"To stop Lucifer."_

_"That's why we've arrived."_

_The way he says it with so much certainty scares me, so I do what I usually do to smother my emotions: Sarcasm._

_"Well... bang-up job so far. Stellar work with the witnesses. That's nice."_

_This time, he doesn't smile- which is scarier. He steps closer to me, into my personal space, and I can feel the pressure in the atmosphere change._

_"You should show me some respect. I dragged you out of Hell. I can throw you back in."_

_He disappears and I'm standing alone in the kitchen._

~

I wake up from my thoughts and realize that I've been leaning against the counter. I walk back to my bed and take another sip. The song is loudest when I'm on my bed.

“I know that you can't hear me, but baby I need you to save me tonight.

Tonight your memory burns like a fire  
With every one it grows higher and higher  
And I can't get over it, I just can't put out this love  
I just sit in these flames and pray that you'll come back  
Close my eyes tightly, hold on and hope that I'm dreaming  
Come wake me up”

I feel hollow inside. “Come wake me up, man.” I mutter and I close my eyes to better hear the song. I finally fall asleep- or did I pass out?

*

Cas walks unsteadily into the river, arms outstretched. His head sinks down under the water and I’m screaming. I’m screaming, but no one can hear me. _Cas!_

*

I wake up panting. I lay back down to steady my breathing and reach over to my bedside table for a drink. My bottle is empty. After I calm myself down enough, I look around the room. Sammy’s gone. Probably out exercising. Even though I slept on top of the covers, the bed is a rumpled mess. _I must have moved around a lot._ My wrist has a mark from where my watch pressed into me. I rub my wrist as I get up and pull the covers back into place. I sit at the table to check for updates and pour myself a drink.

When Sam comes in, he doesn’t mention that people don’t normally drink whiskey at 10 am.


	3. Lost and Found

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Born Again Identity

“Gotta find Emanuel, gotta find Emanuel” I repeat it over and over like some sort of prayer. “Emanuel.” I drive through the night to a Daphne Allen’s house. Bits of memories flash through my head: Sam in his hospital bed, Cas _breaking_ Sam’s wall, Cas- I push that thought away. “ _no_ ” I think, at a loss for other words, “ _no_ ”.

*

I reach her house in Colorado, not to hard to find. I park Baby and walk up the steps, my heart pounding. I steady my breath and knock.

“Hi, is this Daphne Allen’s house? I’m looking for Emanuel?”

“You found him”

*

I see a woman tied up in the window and immediately my alarm bells go off. He spins me around but I stab him and push him off me. His body rolls down the steps to the feet of-

“ _No_ ” I think again, at a loss for words.

His blue eyes stare up at me, wide eyed and startled.

“ _no_ ”

That voice, those eyes. I dreamed about them every night. Nightmares that shook me, that woke Sam up. Nightmares I denied ever having. I never thought I’d see him again. He was gone. He was gone and he wasn’t coming back. But now, he stands there, oblivious to the storm in my heart.

“What _was_ that?” he asks confused, almost accusingly.

“ _no_ ”

Something about the way he spoke… It was Cas, but… not. There was something off. At first, I thought it was Jimmy, but Jimmy’s mannerisms were different; plus Jimmy died a long time ago. This was Cas…sort of.

*

I pace the room slowly and try to gather my thoughts as he unties Daphne. Is he pretending not to remember me? Should I play along? Is Daphne a threat? He extends his hand to me and introduces himself as Emanuel. I shake his hand, totally clueless about how to handle this situation.

“Thank you for protecting my wife”

His _wife_?

“Your wife. Right.”

Cas/Emanuel/whatever continued something about “his true face” and I just stand there, staring. He comments about how a demon walked the earth. His astonishment confuses me.

“Demon _s_. Whackloads of them. You don’t know about -”

Realization hits me like a ton of bricks: this isn’t a ruse. He doesn’t know? He doesn’t… remember. Oh crap. He doesn’t remember anything.

*

I keep looking over at him in the passenger seat. It’s weird- seeing him sit there again. With four hours to go, I might as well try to learn as much as I can.

“So Daphne. That your wife?”

He nods “She found me and cared for me.”

“Meaning?”

He tells me his story. Or rather Daphne’s side of the story. She found him… and he married her? I don’t understand the logic of that. That bit of information doesn’t sit well with me, but I just push it away. More important things to worry about. He asks about Sam, and I can’t help but think this is the perfect way to let off steam by venting since he doesn’t remember anything.

“Someone did this to him.”

I hear the bite in my voice, but I don’t care. He doesn’t know it was aimed at him.

“He was your friend, this dude?”

“Yeah well, he’s gone.” I sneak a look at him again. “Honestly, I don’t know if he is dead. I just know that this whole thing couldn’t be messier.” I hope he doesn’t hear the waver in my voice. “You know, I used to be able to shake this stuff off. Might take me some time, but I always did.” I look at him watching his reaction through my peripherals. “But what Cas did… I just can’t. I don’t know why.” _You do know why._

*

I hate Meg. Backstabbing little freak. She acts all sweet like I don’t remember her trying to kill me and Sam- multiple times. She jokes about Cas’s situation and she knows she’s hit a nerve. But I have no choice- I _do_ need backup. The way she acts around him, the way she steps a little _too_ close- invading his personal privacy- makes me wish I knifed her back in the store. I can’t go killing everyone in front of Cas. He’d never come save Sam.

*

We ride in silence. Cas in uncomfortable fear, Meg in snarky observance, and me in stony silence. I have to keep my guard up. _Stay angry, Meg won’t mess this up. Show her who’s in charge here._ He doesn’t get my sarcasm. At least _one_ thing hasn’t changed. I subtly continue to sneak looks at him when Meg isn’t watching.

*

“He could snap. He could disappear. Who knows?” Without thinking, I tell her my fears. If I tell him, he might leave. _Again._

“I gather we know each other. You can tell me, and I’ll be fine.”

“How do you know? You just met yourself- I’ve known you for years.”

“We’re …friends?”

I turn to him, my jaw set. And he realizes the truth. As he walks down to the demons, my heart races. What if he can’t remember? What if they kill him? But he does it. He smites every one. Once he finishes, he just stands there, his back to me. I walk up cautiously.

“Cas?”

He turns to me and I can see anger and despair in his eyes again.

“I remember you. I remember everything.”

*

“All these people, they’re here because of me. I shouldn’t be here.”

He storms off and I panic. _No!_

“Cas. Cas!”

I run after him.

“We didn’t part friends, Dean. I deserved to die.”

_"No."_ I swallow.

“I can’t possibly fix it, so why did I even walk out of that river?”

I am suddenly aware of how exhausted I am. All the pain and rage and desperation I kept in have left me and I feel weak. “Maybe _to_ fix it.” A thought hits me. “Wait.” I open my trunk and slowly pull out that stupid trenchcoat. There’s still some stains on it that I couldn’t get out, but I hold it, hesitant to give it up. That trenchcoat was the only thing I had left of Cas. But now Cas was back. I hand it to him, my eyes never leaving his.

*

“This isn’t a problem I can make disappear.” A light goes on in his eyes. “But I may be able to shift it.”

Something about the way he’s speaking scares me. What is he doing? He sits by Sam and turns to me.

“It’s better this way.”

I freeze.

“I’ll be fine.”

“Wait, Cas, what are you doing?!”

*

Sam gasps my name and I run to his side. But then Cas stands up with wild eyes. I turn to Sam questioningly. Cas backs away into the wall, looks around wildly, and passes out.

*

The last I see of Cas is him sitting in his hospital bed facing the window. I don’t like to see him like this so I leave quickly, without a second look. Meg says she’ll look after him. I glare at her and tell her that if anything happens- I stop and turn away without another word. We walk to the car and drive off. It’s not until we’re an hour away that I realize that I left that stupid trenchcoat on the chair. I curse suddenly and slam my hand on the wheel. Sam jumps, but doesn’t say anything. Now all I can do is fight and distract myself from the hollow feeling inside. I had found Cas and lost him again.


	4. I Watch The Bees

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> s07e21Reading Is Fundamental

“It’s Meg.” Sam answers and then pauses. “Cas is awake.”

“What? When? When?” I lean into the phone so she can hear me. Sammy puts her on speaker before I grab the phone.

“Last night, about 8.” _Last night?! Why didn’t she call earlier? I would have been there in a couple hours!_

“And you waited until NOW to call us?” I demand. She notices the force in my voice so, of course, she begins to tease. “I’ve been busy with Cas. He’s a tad different.” _Uh oh._ Different is not good. Last time Cas was different, he didn’t remember who he was, he didn’t remember anything. Sam notices my discomfort and suggests we drive to Indiana to check him out.

We make it to the hospital around 7. As we walk through the halls, my excitement and nervousness gives way to talking and I confide that I’m not too psyched to see a “different” Cas. I just want everything to be normal again. The first thing I see when I walk into the room is Cas wearing that stupid trenchcoat staring out the window, just like I left him, except this time, he’s standing. My steps subconsciously slow as I enter the room. “Hey Cas…” I begin, but stop. I don’t know what to say. He slowly turns around and he looks ok. He doesn’t look thin or tired like Sam did. But there is _something_ different. I can’t put my finger on it. But it doesn’t matter because then he says those words. Those two words that I’ve been aching to hear but never admitted to needing them. “Hello, Dean.” I can feel my heart flutter a bit, but I don’t let anyone know. _Maybe Meg was lying. He seems fine._ He walks towards me with a smile and I can’t help but smile a little too.

“Look at you, walking and talking. That’s great, right?”

He makes no response, but points his finger to me. I look down, confused. “Pull my finger.” He says with a mischievous smile. Meg looks bored, like she’s had to put up with this for a while now. He watches me as I try to figure out if he’s for real or not. His expression never wavers, so I slowly reach out and pull it slightly. Every lightbulb in the room shatters and Sam and I jump. I turn back to Cas and he laughs.

Meg screws in new lightbulbs and Sam asks Cas all these questions, but I just stare at him and try to figure him out. I don’t really listen to what he’s saying. Something about flowers or bees. I tune back in just in time to hear Sam. “You might want to add a little Thorazine.” Now, Sammy’s the college boy, but I recognized that name. Thorazine is an antipsychotic. _Crazy Cas? Just my luck._ And then it gets worse! He turns to Meg with these… eyes. “Will you look at her? My caretaker.” _NO._ “All of that thorny pain, so beautiful.” _NO._ And she freaking plays along! And he smiles at her… And I’m just standing here watching probably looking like the friggin’ girl who wasn’t asked to Prom.

Sam, thank God, switched the subject to the weird rock thing we found. Cas gets all smiley with us again, but I’m still stuck on the Meg thing to really appreciate it.

“If someone was going to free the Word from the vault of the earth, it would end up being you two.” I nod, trying to piece together what he’s saying. “Oh, I love you guys.” And he comes in for a hug. This time I’m more prepared with my reaction, so I “over-man” it and look away and lean back when he pulls us in.

As we discuss the tablet, Meg asks to see it. I refuse, of course, because she’s a demon. It has nothing to do with Cas’s partiality towards her, not in the least. But my stupid “confrontation” scares Cas off and I’m tasked to bring him back.

*

I finally find that damn dayroom and stop before I walk through the doorway. Cas is sitting with his back to me. _Why does this have to be so hard? Why can’t we catch a break?_ I’m frustrated at this situation and our stupid luck and I know I’m being impatient with him. I take a deep breath to try and calm down before walking in.

First, I try to figure out why he’s different. The cage. He took all of Sam’s memories and pain from the Pit. One good thing about Crazy Cas is that he doesn’t hold back his smiles. “It took everything to get me here.” [At the time, I didn’t understand what he meant, but now looking back, I do.] Nothing I say motivates him. I remind him of what he did, but he just sets up the game. So we talk. And we play Sorry. All the while, I’m trying to get answers without scaring him off, but it’s so hard. I’m getting more and more frustrated. “Dean.” I look up. Maybe now he’ll help me. “It’s your move.” I can’t take it anymore and I snap. “Forget the damn game!” I push the game off the table and the pieces scatter around the floor. One blue piece remains on the table. Cas pretends to stare at it, but I see his eyes flitting to me and to the game on the floor. I try to relax him so he doesn’t leave. “Forget the game, Cas.”

I watch him pick up the game pieces when he sits up straight with an excited smile on his face. “Sam. He’s talking to angels.” We run up to the room. Before we enter the room, he tells me to draw a sigil. He sees my face when I realize that it’ll send him away and he reassures me that bees can smell each other from across a field. I don’t know why he thought that would help me, but he seems to think that it’s helpful, so I clap him on the back and he flashes into the room. I hit the sigil and they glow and disappear. The last thing I see is that stupid trenchcoat, shining brighter and brighter. Cas is gone, again.

We’re on the road driving toward Rufus’s cabin when Meg’s phone rings. As soon as I hear her say “Castiel”, I tune in. Well, more like turn around while driving and ask “Cas? Where? Where is he?” I strain to hear their conversation and try to join in when I can. It’s embarrassing, but I just want to know he’s ok. He pops up in the car, and I’m all business again. _I seriously need to get a grip on my inner teen. I look like an idiot!_ Half of the time I sound like a needy girlfriend and the other half I’m pissy and rude. _Great combo._

*

Kevin has a panic attack downstairs in the “sex-torture dungeon”. I hand him a brown bag and try to offer some encouragement.

“Ah man, what can I say? You’ve been chosen. _You’re the Righteous Man, Dean…You were chosen for a purpose._ And it sucks, believe me. There’s no use asking, ‘Why me?’ _I know our fate rests with you._ Because the angels…they don’t care. _It was Balthazar's plan. I would have done the same thing_. I think maybe they just don’t have the equipment to care. It seems like when they try, it just…breaks them apart.”

*

“Why should we give _you_ anything? After everything you have taken from us? The very touch of you corrupts. When Castiel first laid a hand on you in Hell, he was _lost_! For that, you’re going to pay.” She strides towards me but Cas steps between us. And she hits him. I try to run forward to help him, but the angels block me off. All I can do is watch as she hits him over and over again. Every punch is a knife in my gut. I can’t bear to watch, but I can’t look away. I won’t leave him again.

*

Hester is dead, and Kevin is home safe. Sam, Cas and I look through Kevin’s notebook and find the ingredients needed to kill Dick. Cas happily gives us a bottle of his blood to start us off. Now that he’s safe and … alive, I ask him.

“What are you gonna do, Cas?”

He smiles at me. “I don’t know. Isn’t that amazing?” Something in his face… It felt like a challenge: What would _I_ do, if everything was finally safe and the job was done? Before I can put together an answer, he disappears, like he always does. But it’s ok, because I know he’s coming back.


	5. I'll Go With You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> s7e23 Survival of the Fittest

“We can call Castiel again.”

~

_Sam had just left the motel to go get supplies to catch the Vamp we’d been hunting and I was on my bed researching Dick. Everything was getting too confusing and my vision was getting blurry- probably because it was 9 am and I was already on my third beer. Frustrated, I shut the computer and hold my head in my hands. “I need a break… Cas, you there?” I pause “Guess not.” But a moment later, I feel a change in the atmosphere and know he’s here. “Hello Dean.” I don’t bother looking up. “Hey Cas. What’s the word?”_

_“Well, bees are so fascinating. Did you know if they lose their way to their hive, they won’t build a new one, they’ll just keep flying in search of their home until they die from exhaustion?”_

_“Wasn’t aware of that.” I reply, still keeping my head in my hands- my head is hurting way too much. There’s a weird buzzing in my head and it’s driving me nuts._

_“I find that I identify with them sometimes. I feel as though my home was taken from me and so I am doomed to fly around the world, never resting, until it is found again.”_

_“Lost your home, huh? Why can’t you just fly back to Heaven?”_

_“Dean, ‘lost’ and ‘taken from’ have two separate meanings. My home is- was here, with you. But now I feel as though-”_

_His home is here… With that, I opened my eyes and turned to him, ready to comfort and reassure him that he was always welcome here. He could always stay with me- with us, I mean. But then I really looked at him..._

_~_

“Dude, on my car” I swear “He showed up naked, covered in bees.”

~

_Naked. Cas was naked. Why was he naked?!_

_“What the hell, man! Why are you naked?” As I struggled to keep my eyes above the equator, I realized something else. The incessant buzzing in my head was actually coming from Cas. Little bees were crawling over his skin. Naked. And covered in bees. Where’s his stupid trenchcoat?_

_“The bees are frightened by my clothing. I found it easier to converse with them in their comfort zone.”_

_This was way too much to handle this early in the morning. I grabbed the cover off my bed and tossed it to him. “Here, put this on, at least.”_

_Just then, a car drove up. Sam’s home. I turn back to Cas to find that he’d disappeared already, leaving the bed cover sticky with honey. Some of the bees had stayed. And my head was still spinning from this awkward encounter._

_“Dean, what the heck? There’s bees everywhere! And honey…”_

_“Cas.” was all that I could answer._

_~_

“Yeah, I’m not sorry that I missed that.”

*

“You deal with him, I can’t anymore. I was laying low halfway across the world when emo boy pops up out of nowhere and zaps me right back here.”

“Why?”

“Go ask him, he was your boyfriend first.”

_Getting real tired of your crap, Meg._ She knows she’s hit a nerve, but I don’t give her the reward of seeing any reaction. I just deadpan and then stalk off to the window. I look out and see him sitting in a car, listening to something. I lean down into the car’s open window.

“Hey there.” He raises his hand in acknowledgment and turns back to the radio. I stand up, so he can’t see me try to calm down. I close my eyes and breathe out, shaking my head. Talking to Cas like this always hurt. I don’t like seeing him like this. Broken.

“So Cas, what’s the word?”

“Well, Dean, I’ve been thinking. Monkeys are so clever. And they’re sensible in that they leave the skins on the bananas that they eat. Is it really necessary to test cosmetics on them? I mean, how important is lipstick to you, Dean?”

I pause. _Is this how it’s going to be from now on? Can I handle this... whatever this is?_ I try to shrug nonchalantly ”Not very” but my voice breaks a little. He doesn’t seem to register it.

“You wanna come inside and tell us what’s going on?”

*

“Why’d you go to Meg, Cas?” I ask, my voice sounds accusing, but I can’t help it. _Why didn’t he come to us first? Does he like her better or something?_

~

_“ ‘Hello?’ I spent all that time trying to get through to you. Dean calls once and now it’s ‘Hello.’ So what, you like him better or something?”_

_“Dean and I do share a more profound bond.”_

~

“If the angels are dead, then where’s Kevin?”

“I could steal them from their cages, the monkeys. But where would I put them all?”

_You’ve got to be kidding me._ Without thinking, I clap. “Hey, focus. Is Kevin alive?”. As soon as I do, Cas immediately breaks eye contact and insists “I don’t want to fight.” I realize my mistake and try to soften my approach. I force a smile and tell him that we’re worried. He opens up after that. I make a mental note to remember the smiling thing.

*

“Here we have trillions. They’re making honey and silk. And miracles, really.”

Crowley shoots me a look and I just smile at him. _It gets better, just you wait._

“Here. I can offer a token if you like. It’s honey. I- I collected it myself.” He smiles at his little bag and I try to hold back mine. _He looks so proud of himself…_ Crowley looks back at me with utter confusion. I smile and shrug. _Your problem._

*

A hand claps on my shoulder and I jump.

“So, none of this should cause you any ill effect. I went to a little farm in Normandy…”

I tune out and watch him explain whatever he’s explaining. Sam’s got this face on like he’s grossed out or something. I don’t want to know. But Cas looks so happy. _Maybe he’s better like this. Yeah, he screwed up everything in the past, but he finally looks happy. Why should I try to take that away? Hell, if he wants to watch the bees, let him watch the bees. I’ll be right there._

“Please accept this sandwich as a gesture of solidarity.”

Sam looks down at the sandwich with hesitation. _Eat the damn sandwich, Sammy._

*

“Dick made more Dicks.” As Sam explains what must have happened, I look over at Cas. He looks at me for a moment, then looks away and avoids my eyes. _He doesn’t usually do that._ “Hey, Shifty, what’s your problem?”

“Do we need a cat?’

_He changes the subject every time we ask him about the Leviathans._

*

“I can’t help. You understand, I can’t. I destroyed everything and I will destroy everything again. Can we please, just, leave it at that?”

He doesn’t sound crazy. He sounds like normal Cas. So I push it further.

“No, not we can’t leave it. You let these freaking things in. So you don’t get to make a sandwich. You don’t get a damn cat. Nobody cares that you’re broken, Cas. Clean up your mess!”

“You know…” He steps closer to me. I tense, expecting a fight. “We should play twister.” and disappears.

*

I find him sitting alone playing some board game by himself.

“Cas, I need a wingman. You don’t want to jump into the jaws of death, that’s fine. How about we run a little errand?”

He perks up a bit at that and we fly away.

*

“Dean-”

I turn to him. “Cas. We’ve been over it. I get it, you can’t help.” He looks down at his feet, thinking. “If we attack Dick and fail, you and Sam die heroically, correct?”

Not sure exactly what he’s getting at…but I play along “I don’t know, I guess.”

“And at best, I die trying to fix my own stupid mistake.” He pauses and looks up at me. “I’m not good luck, Dean.” The look he gives me makes me mad. _That’s not true! He’s not, not good luck, or whatever it is. I’m the one who’s not worth it, not you. Cas, stop making this hard._

“Yeah well, you know what? Bottom of the ninth and you’re the only guy left on the bench- sorry, but I’d rather have you. Cursed, or not.” This isn’t something I’d usually say, but to hell with it, I’m dying tomorrow. “We’re all cursed. I seem like good luck to you?”

But he doesn’t say anything. He just looks at me. Not expressionless, but unreadable with a hint of a smile on his face. _Maybe I shouldn’t have done my end-of-the-world speech…_ “What?”

“I don’t want to make you uncomfortable…” He’s trying to hide his smile ”…but I detect a note of forgiveness.” I stop. I guess I have forgiven him. I’m not mad about anything he did. Not about Sam’s wall, not about the souls, not even about lying to me about Crowley. None of it matters anymore. _It’s my last night, last chances..._ I shake my thoughts before they travel to ideas I’d like to keep buried and hidden.

“Yeah, well, we’re probably going to die tomorrow, so…”

“Well I’ll go with you.”

~

_“_ _Are you saying we, uh, walk in straight up the driveway, past all the demons and the Croats, and we shoot the devil?”_

_“Are you coming?”_

_“Of course”_

~

“And I’ll do my best.”


	6. And So I Run

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First moments in Purgatory

“Honestly, no. I figured we’d have to catch you off guard.”

Then, Black.

*

“Wake up.” My eyes open and I slowly get up. “Good. We need to get out of here.”

I look around. “Where are we?”

“You don’t know?”

I think back, trying to piece together what had happened. “Last I remember, we ganked Dick.” He makes a “isn’t it obvious?” face. “And where would he go in death?” Realization hits me and I stop. I hear a noise in the bushes and turn to see, but there’s nothing there. I turn back, “Cas, I think we’d better g-” but no one is there. He’s gone. My blood freezes. “Cas?” I feel as if someone had knocked my breath out. I’m alone. In Purgatory.

*

Running. Always running. Something has been hunting me for a day. I can never see it, only shadows and growls. My foot catches on a root and pain shoots up my ankle. I stumble and I hear the growling get louder. I look around for some water. For some reason this -whatever this is- doesn’t like water. I strain my ears to hear and catch the faint sound of running water. As I race towards it, the faint sound grows to a dull roar. The river flows over a small cliff as a mini waterfall. I plunge into the water and walk up to the waterfall. I run my hands along the wall under the water, hoping beyond hope. _Yes!_ My hands touch air. I close my eyes and duck through the water. There’s a tiny hollow in the rock where the water eroded. Thankful, I lay down. I’m soaked and exhausted, but safe- for now. Now that I’m no longer in danger, I can arrange my thoughts.

 _Cas. Where is he? Maybe he took off running and didn’t check to see if I was with him. No, he wouldn’t do that. Did something take him? Those gorilla-wolves weren’t too bad. Plus he’s an angel. Maybe his angel powers don’t work here. Figures- the one place we_ really _need it, it’s not available. Ok, so maybe something took him. Makes sense. He wouldn’t just… leave, right? Did he leave me? Again?_

_~_

_Cas, I don’t know where the hell you are or if you can even hear me, but I might as well try, right? You ok, man? I turn away for one second and you’re gone. Where are you? If something took you, I sure as hell am going to find you. I’ll kill every son of a bitch in this place. Don’t you worry._

_~_

I curl up with my back to the wall and hold tight to my knife. The cold air cuts me to the bone and I wish I had something other than my jacket to cover me. At least Cas has that stupid trenchcoat. Somewhere along the way, I fall asleep. There are no dreams in Purgatory.

*

I wake up to thunder. The cave is colder in the morning and everything is quiet outside. With a start, I realize that I’m not hungry. _Something about Purgatory… but it doesn’t stop any of the monsters here from trying to eat me._ I cautiously leave my cave, reluctant to leave my safe zone, but I need to find Cas.

And so I run.


	7. Broken Prayers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean prays to Cas every night. Some excerpts of what he said.

_Hey Cas, I’m lost. I thought I was going back to my waterfall, but I guess I made the wrong turn… now I have to sleep in this stupid tree. My back aches, my clothes are so dirty, and it’s so cold! I’m sick of this place! Why did I get stuck here? I’ve been punished enough. I killed him, shouldn’t I be rewarded? Sam’s probably sitting at home with a burger and a beer. God- sorry, I mean gosh- I miss beer. This place sucks. And you’re freaking gone. It’s stupid. You probably don’t care about me anyway. I bet you can hear me, can’t you? Yeah, I called you out you son of a bitch! You hear me, Cas?! I don’t need you! I never needed you. Never…_

_*_

_I don’t even know why I keep doing this. I guess it’s a habit by now. When I was in highschool, Dad dropped us off at some random public school while he went off to hunt. Anyways, I joined the baseball team. But my aim sucked. Of course my coach, like any coach, told me to practice. He said something though. I don’t know why it stuck with me, but- he said that if you do something every day for twenty one days, you develop a habit. I don’t know where I’m going with this. I guess it’s just a habit I made, praying to you. You're listening, right?  
_

_*_

_I heard a bird fly by and I swear it sounded like you. You always made a slight sound, like feathers ruffling, when you arrived. And your stupid trenchcoat would flap a bit. Gosh I miss that thing; it’s been a while since I’ve actually thought about it. I sound like a chick, don’t I? Well, don’t tell anyone. Sammy would never let me live this down. I wonder how he’s doing. You think he’s ok? He’s probably working his butt off to find another portal. He’ll get us out of here, I just need to find you first. Stay put until I find you._

_*_

_Hey Cas. You’re probably dead, aren’t you? You wouldn’t do this to me. You’re dead. You’re dead and it’s all my fault…everyone who gets close to me- Jo, Ash- everyone… damnit. Why did you trust me? Couldn’t you see that I’M POISON?! I kill everyone! I killed Jo! She died because of me! Why couldn’t you stay away from me?! I should have left you there. You were happy there! I dragged you back into this and you fought me the whole way. But I was selfish and scared. Yeah, I was scared! I was scared that I’d end up alone, that I’d die alone and I’d go to hell, again! Ever heard of a self-fulfilling prophecy? I’m walking proof of that! You’re dead! You’re dead, and it’s my fault. I killed you! I killed you…_

_*_

_Are you hiding from me? Do you not want to be found? Cuz it sure feels like it. I hear rumors in the night; voices whispering about the angel. It’s been a couple months now. Or is it years? I don’t even know anymore. I miss the stars. Do you remember the stars? I used to look up at them from my bedroom window, the one in Lawrence, before the fire. My mom always used to say that they were angels; as long as there were stars in the sky, angels would be watching over me. But there’s no stars here. I wonder if it’s because there are no angels in Purgatory. No one is watching over me now. Are you out there? Cas?_


	8. Where's The Angel?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Continuation of Dean's journey in Purgatory

“Take a breath. Calm down. Where’s the angel?”

He laughed. “Human.”

I pressed my knife closer to his throat. “Where’s the angel!”

“I don’t know.”

I didn’t even hesitate to off him. If he didn’t know, then I’d find another one to talk.

*

“I’m hopping a ride. Either you’re in, or you’re out”

“First we find the angel.”

He shakes his head. “Three’s a crowd, chief.”

“Well, either you’re in, or you’re out.”

*

Benny’s found a Rugaru. Rumor says he knows where Cas is. By now, I know torture is the only way. I walk up to him and study his face.

“Where’s the angel?”

He doesn’t answer so I dig my knife into his shoulder. “You feel that?”

“There’s a stream…runs to a clearing not far from here…three day’s journey, follow the stream. There’s a clearing. You’ll find your angel there.”

_Damn right, he’s my angel._

*

We catch another one and we tie him up like the first one. “Just to make sure that one was telling the truth.” Benny says. I hold my knife to his throat and try to steady my voice.

“Where’s my angel?”

I didn’t even notice my change in words until he smirks. “ _Your_ angel...I heard he was cornered by two Leviathans.” He spat. “Probably didn’t make it.” I stab my knife into his arm and twist. He screams and tries to twist away.

“I’m not done with you. Tell me what I need to know. WHERE’S MY ANGEL!?”

He groans and points. I slice his throat and let his body drop. I run in that direction.

*

We find the stream, but Benny says it’s better to wait to start in the morning. _I don’t need sleep…Cas is out there!_ But I give in eventually. Benny keeps watch while I go off a little ways, like I do every night. He doesn’t question me anymore. I sit down on a rock and look up into the sky. There are no stars in Purgatory. I try to imagine what the sky looked like back home, try to picture a star, but it’s been too long. So I close my eyes.

~

_Cas, I’m almost there. We found the stream. I’m coming to find you. We’re almost there. I’m almost there. Just hold on a little longer. Hold on…_

*


	9. Reunited

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean finds Cas in Purgatory

I run faster than I ever thought I could that first day. Benny follows a ways behind; always hissing under his breath. _Why won’t he hurry up? Burning daylight here._

My mind runs with me; whispers I thought I could outrun. _Where’s your hurry? He’s probably not even there. Why would he be? They were all lying to you. There’s no angel. It’s probably a trap. If he was there, why hadn’t he found you before? He’s hiding from you. He doesn’t want to be found. You’re lost. Only a shell of you is left. Just give up._

My body slows down and Benny catches up. He raises his eyebrow in question. “We don’t want to attract unwanted attention” I explain. The river starts to widen a bit and the water begins to slow down. I know we’re close. I round the corner and my steps falter.

_Cas_

“Cas!”

The figure kneeling by the lake’s edge lifts his head at my voice, but doesn’t turn. I see his lips move to form a word, but I can’t hear it. It takes him a second to stand and turn. I cautiously make my way to him, hardly believing my eyes. I say his name again, relishing the feeling of being able to say it to his face. “Cas” I take him in. He looks dirty and disheveled, like me, but seems normal- a little confused, but normal. His stupid trenchcoat is almost black from the grime and blood of Purgatory. _He’s alive._ I break out into a grin, a real one, the first one in a long time and I wrap my arms around him, laughing. _You don’t know how long I’ve missed this, missed you._ “Damn, it’s good to see you.” All I want to do is sit down with him and just talk, but I remember Benny standing off to the side and introduce them - catching up will have to come later.

We talk a little bit and everything is great, but then Benny has to open his mouth.

“Why’d you bail on Dean?” I try to stop him. Although I want to know the answer, I want to have this conversation in private later, not in front of Benny.

“Look, we were surrounded. Some freak probably jumped Cas, he obviously kicked its ass, right?” I search his eyes, hopeful. As he refuses to meet my eyes, I can feel my heart fall. “No.”

_No? NO? What do you mean “no”? You mean you LEFT ME? You actually left me…_

“I ran away.” “You ran _away?_ ” I ask incredulously. “That’s your excuse for leaving me? You bailed out and what?! Went camping?!” I feel my voice bite with each word, but I can’t stop.

“I prayed to you, Cas- every night!”

“I know.”

“You know and you didn’t-” I stop. _What happened to him?_ “What the hell’s wrong with you?”

Cas looks down determinedly. “I am an angel, in a land of abomination. There have been things hunting me from the moment we arrived.”

“Join the club!” I bark.

He continues, insisting “These are not just monsters, Dean, they’re Leviathan. I have a price on my head. And I’ve been trying to stay one step ahead of them…” He shakes his head, almost imperceptible, but I catch it. “… to keep them away from you.” He locks eyes with me and I feel numb. _He was trying to save me- again._ “That’s why I ran.” As I step forward, he turns away. “Just… leave me, please.” Benny tries to, but I keep my eyes on Cas. His eyes keep flitting from the lake, back to me- very quick movements, as if he wanted to see me go, but knew he shouldn’t. As I look into his eyes, I see his despair. _I can’t leave him._ I don’t care if I’m staring, but I can’t take my eyes off him. _I lost him so many times, I won’t do it again._ “Cas, we’re getting out of here. We’re going home.”

He refuses to meet my eyes. “Dean, I can’t.”

“You _can_. We’ll figure it out.” _Don’t stop. Keep going._ It’s been too long, and I don’t care anymore. I open my arms and let down my guard. “Cas, buddy… I need you.”

His eyes. A flash of emotions pass through them in an instant. Amazement, hesitation, fear, despair, hope, strength. “Dean” he murmurs.

“And if Leviathan want to take a shot at us, let them. We ganked those bitches once before, we can do it again.” I try to hold down my smile as I see his eyes flicker with hope.

“It’s too dangerous” he says half-heartedly. “Let me bottom line it for you. I’m not leaving here without you, understand?” A faint smile ghosts across his face. “I understand.”


	10. Too Much Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean has flashbacks of Purgatory and Cas

“We made it, brother. I can’t believe it” Benny pulls me into a hug. Part of me feels hollow, but I fake a smile anyways.

*

“I don’t know whether to give you a hug or take a shower.” I laugh “come here”. I never thought I’d see Sammy again, but his hug still doesn’t fix the hollow feeling. It hurts even more, if that’s even possible. I close my eyes and try to relax.

“How’d you get out?”

_Running uphill. Heavy panting. That stupid trenchcoat catching on brambles. Scrambling over rocks and roots. But then, a boom. We were so close. Just a couple feet to go, but the Leviathans caught us first._

“What about Cas? Was he there?”

_I couldn’t move. I lay dazed in the ditch where he threw me. Cas was trying to fight them off, but they had the upper hand. Each blow resounded in my head. The thud when he fell to his knees and left him there vulnerable to each punch and kick… He was half dead by the time I got back to him. I pulled him by the collar and plowed ahead. “We gotta move! The portal’s closing!”_

“Then Cas is dead? You saw him die?”

_I was halfway through the portal when I turned around to grab his hand. “I got you, hold on!” But the portal was tearing me away and Cas was slipping. “Dean!” he cried. My fingers started to burn; I couldn’t hold on for much longer. “Hold on!” I screamed. The portal pulled me back and he slipped from my grasp. His scream echoed in my head as I was pulled away. “Dean!”_

“I saw enough”

*

“Dean! Purgatory didn’t do you any favors. Where’s your angel?”

_Dead._

*

“Dean Winchester?” “Do I know you?” “No but I…knew Castiel.”

_Knew him._

“I wanted to ask you about Castiel. What happened to him?”

_“Even if it does exist… Dean. It’s a human portal. There’s no proof an angel can pass.” “Stow it, Cas, you’re coming, that’s final.” He grabbed my shoulder and paused. “If it doesn’t work…. Thank you. For everything.” “It’s going to work! Nobody gets left behind.”_

“But you escaped. Did- did Castiel?”

 _“I have to agree with the vampire, Dean. The risk of crossing Purgatory with a Seraph… it’s less than strategic. And certainly when we have no reason to believe that I_ can _pass through that door.” He looked down and didn’t meet my eyes. “I don’t think it will work for me." I’m getting tired of this crap. ” Listen to me, I’m the one with the mojo, I’m the one with a plan. Cas, we’re going to shove your ass back through the eye of that needle if it kills all three of us.”_

“You know, there are some in heaven who still believe, despite his mistakes, that Castiel’s heart was always in the right place.” He looked at me sympathetically. “I think… too much heart was Castiel’s problem.”

_“These are not just monsters, Dean, they’re Leviathan. I have a price on my head. And I’ve been trying to stay one step ahead of them…_

_to keep them away from you.”_


	11. "Hello, Dean"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sure if I should keep going and do every Cas/Dean episode. Any thoughts?

 

_“We’ve got to get out of this place. There’s a better life for me and you”._

Driving helps me unwind. Sometimes I need to remind myself that this isn’t all a dream. That I _did_ make it out of Purgatory. So I drive, listen to music, and soak in as much of the world as I can, trying to make up for what I missed. As I scan the road, a tan blur catches my eye. It looks like that stupid trenchcoat and I find myself rubbernecking to get a closer look.

_“You’re so young and pretty. And one thing-“_

I hit the brakes and whip my head around. If this was any other time, I’d be kicking myself for wearing down the rubber on the tires, but I’m too shocked right now to think about it. I hurriedly adjust my rearview mirror and reverse as fast as I can, anxiously scanning the roadline. The tan figure has disappeared. I set my jaw and get out of the car to make sure. _Don’t get your hopes up, Dean. He didn’t make it._ I feel light-headed as I drive back to the motel, brain numb.

 _"And one thing I know is true_  
_You'll be dead before your time is due._  
_I know._ "

*

“Hey” Sam calls out, nonchalantly. I see his face change noticeably once he actually looks at me. I guess my face is still pale. “I was going to say you look like you’ve seen a ghost. You ok?”  
I sigh, trying to make my brain start back up. “Yeah, I’m cool”, I say unconvincingly.

*

Sam’s asleep. Me, I find it hard to sleep sometimes. My brain is still wired to flight and fight. So I pour my energy into this missing kid case. The thunder rumbles outside and I feel a twinge of guilt. Cas is probably in the rain down in Purgatory endlessly running from Leviathans and I’m here in a warm bed on the computer. Lightning flashes right next to our room and I instinctively look up and out the window. He stares back at me. _Cas._ Lightning flashes again and he’s gone.

I close my laptop and walk to the window, wondering if I’m starting to lose my mind; some sort of PTSD from Purgatory. The space outside the window is empty and the rain continues to pour. The thunder crash wake up Sam and he turns to see me staring blankly out the window.

“Dean? What’s going on? You all right?” He sits up, now fully awake. I continue staring out the window.

“I don’t know… I just saw something.”

“uh, saw what?”

I can’t hold the pain back from my voice. “Cas. Right there... And- and - and earlier on the road. I feel like I’m seeing him.”

I hear Sam sigh quietly as he pads over to the window. “That’s not possible.” I feel my brain go numb again. Emotionless. “You said it yourself. You made it out and he didn’t, right?”

Emotions come flooding back with my flashbacks. _Running up the hill, holding his hand and dragging him upward, him screaming my name as he tumbles away…_

“I tried so damn hard to get us the hell out of there.” I turn my back to him so he doesn’t see my breakdown. “I know you did” He says reassuringly. _Cas screaming my name, his scream…_ I close my eyes and try to focus on something else. “You know, I could have pulled him out. I just don’t understand why he didn’t try harder.” I turn back and glare out of the window. “Dean, you did everything you could.” I turn back to Sam and try to joke, but it comes out half-heartedly. “Yeah, but why do I feel like crap?”

*

“So what, we’re going to Rome?” I laugh as I wash my face. The laughter dies on my lips as I stare into Cas’s face in the mirror. I whip around and he’s standing right in front of me. My heart stops and I can’t breathe.

“Hello, Dean.”


	12. I Did Not Leave You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You remembered it the way you needed to."

“Hello, Dean.”

I grip my towel, unable to move. He stares at me, waiting. Sammy, luckily, turns at his voice and pushes his chair back. “Cas!” He strides over, looking at me, I think, but I can’t be sure because I still haven’t taken my eyes off of him.

“Sam.” He turns and Sam claps him on the back. “Where have you been, man? We thought you were dead!” Cas flits his eyes to me, a silent plea for silence on that subject. He moves to step forward, but stumbles a little. Instinct kicks in and I rush to his side. I grab his arm and help lead him to a chair. He’s covered in dirt and grime and his clothes look like rags, but somehow he’s still wearing that stupid trenchcoat. After we set him down, I lean against the counter, still trying to piece together my thoughts. Sam, on the other hand, has no problem bombarding Cas with questions.

“Unbelievable, man. I- I cannot believe it. You’re actually here.” Sam and Cas continue as I keep staring, my eyes boring holes into his profile, racking my brain as to how he could possibly be here. I feel like crying from relief but also from exhaustion. Just seeing him brings back so many emotions…it floods me but I feel drained. It takes me a second to realize Sam is talking to me.

“Yeah… Yeah, uh, I got to be honest. I-I-I’m thinking, how the hell did you make it out?” His eyes drop, and my heart stings a little, but I keep going, emotions stuttering out. I can’t stop now. “I mean, I- I was there. I-I-I know that place. I know how we had to scratch and claw and kill and bleed to find that portal and make it through and it almost finished me. So, uh…” I scoff lightly, forcing a smile which I’m sure comes out more like a grimace. “So how exactly are you sitting here with us right now?”

But he doesn’t know, or he says he doesn’t. Cas gets up to go wash off and I watch him leave, my mind wandering back to that ugly memory again. I don’t know how long I stand there staring at the bathroom door until Sam brings me back. “Dean. You all right?” I unclench my fists- didn’t know I was even doing that- and turn back to Sam and sit down.

“You do see something severely wrong here, right? Sammy I remember every second of leaving that place. I mean I remember the heat, the stink, the pain, the fear. I have that whole ugly mess right here and he says he has no idea of how he got out? I- I’m just not buying it.”

 “So you think he’s lying?” _No, not lying…_ “I’m saying something else happened. I saw the shape he was in. I mean, there was no way he was fighting his ass out alone. No way.”

“Alright so who, or what got him out?” Sam sighs. “Exactly.” _And is he even still Cas?_

Footsteps draw my eyes back to the bathroom. Cas walks out, completely clean, and as I run my eyes up, some… things begin to feel a little uncomfortable, so I re-adjust my legs because… my legs are sore and I wanted to move them…

“Better?” Cas asks with a smile. Sammy smiles and looks over at me, still staring. I check Sammy’s reaction, play it cool, and manage a small nod.

*

I have to go for a drive alone to clear my head. As I walk back into the motel, I see him sitting on the bed watching tv as if nothing had changed. As if this was just another day where Cas came to help us on a case. As if he hadn’t been gone and I hadn’t had nightmares of his scream for days. “I get the feeling something’s going on.” He steps up next to me and he catches me staring. I look away.

*

“Look, mile marker 96 was kinda the halfway point.” I nod and stare ahead into the road, memories drifting yet again.

_Hold on!_

_Dean!_

His scream echoes in my head as I come back to reality. _I’m here, he’s here. We’re safe. We’re out. He’s here._ I can’t ignore this any longer. “Cas, can I talk to you outside?”

He steps out of the car and walks up to me, looking unconcerned “What?”

“Exactly. What? What the hell happened? Back there. Purgatory. I told you I would get you out.” Realization dawns on his face as I continue, my voice rising slightly. “We were there! It was like you just gave up. It’s like you couldn’t believe we could do it. I mean, you kept saying that you didn’t think it would work. Did you not trust me?!”

“Dean…” he tried, but I kept going.

“I did everything I could to get you out- everything!” I pause, finally letting my guilt come out and wash over me. “I did not leave you.” I brace myself, waiting for his reply, his backhand. His scream echoing in my head even as his tilts his head in confusion. “So you think this was your fault?” I don’t have time to answer or ask anything else because Ms. Tran drives up and it’s back to business again.

*

Kevin is safe. Sam is giving him and Ms. Tran some instructions or something while Cas and I pack up the car. “That was a bonehead move back there. You could have gotten yourself killed.” I slam the trunk shut. “Why didn’t you wait for me?”

“Well, I didn’t get killed. And it worked.” “And if it didn’t?” _How does he just go and throw himself at danger? I could have lost him again!_ “It would have been my problem.”

“That’s not the way I see it.” Cas turns to me “Hey, everything isn’t your responsibility.” He pauses. “Getting me out of Purgatory wasn’t your responsibility.” “You didn’t get out. So whose fault was it?” “It’s not about fault. It’s about will.” Something in Cas clicks. “Dean, do you really not remember?”

I scoff. “I lived it, Cas. Okay? I know what happened.”

“No.” Cas says quietly, almost to himself. “You think you know. You remembered it the way you needed it to.”

_The way I needed it to? What the hell does he mean?_ “Look, I don’t _need_ to feel like hell for failing you, okay? For failing you like I’ve failed every Godforsaken thing that I care about! I don’t need it!”

Cas stretches out his hand. “Dean. Just look at it. Really look at it.”

_I was halfway through the portal when I turned around to grab his hand. “I got you, hold on!” But the portal was tearing me away and Cas was slipping. “Dean!” he cried. My fingers started to burn; I couldn’t hold on for much longer. “Hold on!” I screamed. “Dean!” He yelled and then pushed my hand through the portal. “Go!” I stared at him, wide eyed, and then the portal pulled us apart._

I opened my eyes. “See, it wasn’t that I was weak. I was stronger than you. _I_ pulled away.” His expression softened. “Nothing you could have done would have saved me because I didn’t want to be saved.”

I can’t believe anything I’m hearing. “What the hell are you talking about?” “It’s where I belonged. I needed to do penance.” _Can he hear my heart breaking?_ “After the things I did on heaven and on earth, I didn’t deserve to be out. And I saw that clearly when I was there. I-” He shook his head. “I planned to stay all along. I just didn’t know how to tell you.”

“You can’t save everyone, my friend. Though, you try.”

*

“You’re with us on this one, right Cas?”

“Yes, I’m with you.” He looks at me, questioningly. “If that’s alright.” I can’t meet his eyes, but I manage a nod. As Cas walks away, Sam asks “It is, right? You two are good?” “Yeah.” I respond, but I’m not listening. I keep replaying his voice in my head, not a scream, but a command.

_Dean, Go!_

 


	13. A Third Wheel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part 1 of Hunter Heroici

“What’s the word, Cas?”

“It’s a shortened version of my name.” Cas replies without missing a heartbeat, looking up from his newspaper. I smile. _Everything is back to normal. As normal as it gets for us…_

“Yes, it is. I meant what’s the word on The Word? Any, uh, tablet chatter on angel radio?”

Cas finally looks up, but has a hard time meeting my eyes. “Oh, I couldn’t say. I turned that off.”

 _Strange._ “Why’d you flip the switch?”

Cas gets up from leaning against the car, brushes off his stupid trenchcoat and steps toward me. “Because it’s a direct link to Heaven. And I don’t want anything to do with that place- not anymore.” _Huh. Not leaving for a change._ “So what now? Move up to Vermont. Open up a charming B &B?”

“No…I still want- I still _need_ to help people. So…” and something amazing happens. Cas smiles. Like a real smile. Like a human smile. “… I’m going to become a hunter.” It takes me a second to realize. Cas wants to stay. With us. As he continues to smile at me earnestly, a little flicker of hope lights deep inside, but before I have time to respond, Sam speaks first.

“Really?”

“Yeah. I could be your third wheel.” He states proudly. Sam laughs lightly, giving in to the situation. “You know that’s not a good thing, right?” I can’t help but ask. Cas doesn’t seem to read much into it. “Of course it is. A third wheel adds extra grip, greater stability.” He plods on, “I even found us a case. Oklahoma City – a man’s heart jumped 10 feet out of his chest. Sounds like our kind of thing, right?” Cas’s left eye squints a little more as he tilts his head.

 Even though Cas is several millennia older and more experienced in, well, everything but human and social interaction, I get a flashback of Sammy’s first time asking my dad if he could come hunt with us. I am determined to not follow in his footsteps. As Cas turns away to zap himself to Oklahoma, my brain finally comes up with something worthwhile to say.

“Wait. Cas, Cas! If you want to play cowboys and bloodsuckers, that’s fine. But you’re gonna stick with us, okay? None of this zapping around crap. Capiche?” He looks a little less enthusiastic but agrees. Don’t know why, though. In my experience, being zapped from place to place doesn’t go well in the, uh, digestive area.

As we head to the car, I hear him ask. “Can I, uh, at least ride in the front seat?”

“No.” Me and Sam both respond. Cas makes a quiet remark about how neither of us should be holding open bottles of alcohol in the front seat, much less driving. “Look at it this way, Cas. We’ve dealt with some pretty tough crap. I’m pretty sure we can handle a beer on our way over.” Cas is quiet for the remainder of the ride, but he doesn’t look upset. I catch him in the rearview mirror letting his arm hang out of the window and make little waves with his hand. He catches my eye and smiles and so do I.

*

As we walk into the coroner’s office, I remember the last time I took Cas on a hunt with me.

 _“_ _Deputy Framingham?_ _Hi. Alonzo Mosely, FBI. This is my partner, Eddie Moscone.” I turn to Cas “Also FBI” I enunciate. Cas finally remembers he has a part to play and pulls out the badge I gave him. But of course, he holds it upside down. I deadpan and fix the badge. “He’s, uh, he’s new.”_

This time I make sure to brief him a little more before entering. “And don’t mention anything about angels. Actually, just don’t talk. Just- stand next to me and we’ll get through this.”

“A lot of people are thinking this is drugs. An assload of drugs.” The coroner says to Sam. Cas whispers, pretty loudly, into my ear. “There are no narcotics in this man’s system. His molecules are all wrong.” Sam notices her gaze turning to us, so he pushes onward, trying to keep her engaged. “But you don’t think that, huh?” Her phone rings and she passes the file to us and hurries away.

“I can’t sense and EMF or Sulphur. Mr. Frieling’s arterial health is, uh, excellent.” Cas bends over and starts sniffing the stiff. “He did, recently, suffer from a, uh, mild… bladder infection.” I check our surroundings to make sure no one sees Cas going all Hannibal on the guy.

“Cas, stop smelling the dead guy.” I try to say with a steady voice. “Why? Now I know everything about this man. So we can-”

“Did you know he was having an affair?” Sam cuts in.

“What?” Cas demands? “Strike one, Sherlock.” I smile to myself. Cas keeps giving me sidelong glances. I know he knows this is a competition now. Who can find the most important info, their own methods.

“… and she’d be back on the road by 1:30.”  Sam looks up expectantly. I turn to Cas, trying to hide my smug smile. He notices. “You don’t think she’s telling the truth.” He offers. “Too much detail. Sounds rehearsed.” I explain.

“Okay, well, let’s say that Gary here’s on the prowl, but he’s playing it safe because…” I check to see if my suspicions are correct. “Dude’s married… he breaks his wife’s heart, so she breaks his.” “Sounds witchy.” Sam says. I nod and chuckle slightly. “Guy was living a lie, and it came back to bite him in the ticker.” I look over at Cas to gauge his reaction. But, he doesn’t seem to register what I was trying to tell him.

*

“I- I don’t understand. Gary had a heart attack. Why would the FBI-” “The parks are government property.” I cut in. “We just got a few questions for you.” Cas gets up from leaning against the wall and saunters up to the table. Turning to us, he says “I’ll, uh… I’ll handle this. I’ve done research- I can crack her.” A small prat of my brain tells me that I should probably stop him, but most of me wants to watch the destruction unfold. Cas leans onto the table and looks her in the eye.

“Now, Ms. Frieling. I don’t want to bother you. I-I really don’t.” I hear Sam’s feet shuffle and him breathe through his nose. He knows well as I what’s coming next. But we can’t do anything now. “But I do have just one question for you.” He stops smiling and slams his hand on the table. “Why did you kill your husband?!” He yells into her face. That’s my cue. “Agent Stills. A word, please.” Sam tries his best to console her as I take Cas to the corner of the kitchen.

“What? I was being bad cop?” he explains. “No, you were being bad everything. Listen to Sam.”

“Is there anything he Gary might have been hiding?”

A knock interrupts the questioning as a woman walks in. Olivia. “As in ‘mistress’ Olivia?” I whisper to Cas. “This is awkward.” He mutters back. Ms. Frieling turns back to us. “I’m sorry. What did you think Gary was hiding?”

There’s an awkward beat, and Cas, tactful as ever, blurts out. “That he was sleeping with her.” A longer awkward pause. We both turn to glare at Cas, but Debra shocks us. “I know.” She says. “Gary and I…he… we had an arrangement. He was seeing Olivia, and I was spending time with our neighbor.” She and Olivia walk off to the kitchen and I shake my head. “Friggin suburbs, man.” “So, she’s not a witch.” Cas stares off into the distance, trying to understand. “Just the best wife ever.” I whisper to him.

*

“Hey, that detective from the station just left me a message.” Sam said, still looking at his phone. “Another weird death.” I look up from my burger. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Cas sneak a fry. My hands are full so I can’t slap his hand. He reaches out a second time, but this time I’m prepared and slowly push his face away using my elbow. “Guys, quit it.” Sam quips as he stands up and throws out his leftover salad. “We need to leave.” I turn to Cas with my mouth full and open. He makes a disgusted face and pushes my face away. “Dean!” Sam yells from the car. As we get up, Cas thrusts his hand out, takes a handful of fries and shoves them into his mouth and scampers into the car before I can catch him.

*

“You said you wanted weird.” The detective says as she walks away. As soon as she leaves Cas walks up. We thought it would be better if he just hung back until we got all the talking out of the way. “She’s right, you know. I mean, the whole heart jumping out of a guy’s chest, the- the delayed fall. That’s just straight up Bugs Bunny.” Cas looks toward the edge of the building as I speak. “So we’re looking for some insect-rabbit hybrid? How do we kill it?”

“No, we don’t, Cas.” Sam laughs. “That’s a character like, uh- Wood Woodpecker or Daffy Duck.” “They’re little animated movies.” I supply. “You know, uh, the coyote chases a roadrunner, and then the – the anvil gets dropped on his head.” I laugh. Cas looks between Sam’s smile and my laugh. “Is it supposed to be funny?” I wipe my smile off my face. “No.” I say with sarcastic solemnity. Cas doesn’t move. “It’s hilarious.”

*

Back at the motel, Cas is sitting on the bed watching old Looney Tunes re-runs. Sam and I sit at the little coffee table looking through dad’s journal and anything Sam dug up at the library. My eyes are getting blurry from staring at this page for what seems like forever. After the iconic “That’s All, Folks!”, Cas chuckles to himself and turns off the TV. “I understand.” He says, smiling still. I blearily look up and tune into his voice. “The bird represents God. The coyote is man, endlessly chasing the divine, yet never able to catch him. It’s…” His eager smile fades as he takes in Sam’s and my confusion. “It’s hilarious.” Seeing no recognition from either of us, Cas turns to my duffle bag and beings to rifle through it curiously.

I put my book down and sigh. “I got no idea what we’re hunting. Maybe it’s a tulpa. Maybe it’s some- some crazy god who watched too much ‘robot chicken.’” Cas pulls out my toiletries bag and begins to examine it. “I mean is there a link between ‘Heartbreak Hotel’ and ‘Free Fallin’?” I pinch the bridge of my nose. “Not that I can find.” Sam grumbles into his laptop. “All right, well, I’m gonna call it.” I say as I lean back into my chair and close my books. “Cas, you gonna book a room or what?” Cas pulls out my toothbrush and toothpaste and reads the label carefully. “No, I’ll just stay here.” I watch him pull out my razor and smell it. “Oh, okay. Yeah. We’ll have a slumber party and braid Sam’s hair. Where are you gonna sleep?” He looks up from smelling my shampoo. “I don’t sleep.” He reminds me as he puts my bag back into my duffle. _Cas, you’re making this pretty difficult._ “Okay, well, I need my four hours, so…” Cas looks up, his blue eyes shining faintly. “I’ll watch over you.” Cas assures me.

_"I get it. You've got faith. That's — hey, good for you. I'll tell you who else had faith like that — Mom. She used to tell me when she tucked me in that angels were watching over us. In fact, that was the last thing she ever said to me. She was wrong. There was nothing protecting her. There's no higher power, there's no God. I mean, there's just chaos, and violence, and random unpredictable evil that, that comes out of nowhere, and rips you to shreds. You want me to believe in this stuff? I'm going to need to see some hard proof. You got any?"_

I pause for a beat, considering, but my brain kicks into defense mode. “That’s not gonna happen.” Cas stands up suddenly, hand to his head. “Something’s coming across the police band.” “Wait. You can hear that?” Sam asks. “It’s all waves.” Cas says dismissively. He listens for a beat. “A bank has been robbed. It sounds looney.” My ears perk up and I feel more awake now. “Define ‘looney’.”


	14. Wabbit Season

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part 2 of Hunter Heroici

We get to the bank, flash our badges ( _good job, Cas),_ and get in. Sammy and I walk around the anvil in the middle of the room while Cas fidgets with something he picked up. The detective walks in, and I see Cas immediately put whatever he had in his hands down, straightens his stupid trenchcoat, and tries to look more professional.

“Looks like the black hole was trying to jimmy open a safety deposit box when Mr. Rent-A-Cop found him.” Cas looks up curiously and squints at her. “Black hole?” “He’s a pro” She responds, gesturing to a large black circle painted on the wall. “No prints. Just a pair of those every time, like he’s signing his work.” Sam leaves with the detective to get the other Black Hole files. I watch him leave, and once they’re out of earshot, I turn to Cas. “Hey, can you lift this?” Cas gives me a look as he walks over to the anvil. He lifts it seemingly effortlessly, but I can see the muscles straining on his neck. The anvil clangs loudly on the floor. Looking round to see if anyone else noticed, I realize that it’s just Cas and me here now. As he turns back to face me, I look back at the floor. Under the blood and gore, I can faintly see a large black X on the floor where the anvil had landed. Cas walks back to me and we bump shoulders as he looks down at the X. “X marks the spot. Well, whoever is doing this is playing by cartoon rules.” Cas rolls his eyes- a trait I’m sure he got from me. “Animation doesn’t have rules.” “Sure it does. In toontown, a pretty girl can make your heart leap out of your chest,” A strange look passes over Cas’s face, almost like sadness, but it’s too fast to process. “anvils fall from the sky, and if you draw a door or a black hole on the wall, you can stroll right through it.”

An idea pops in my head and I walk eagerly to the black circle on the wall. “So this is how the thief got in?” Cas asks as he follows me to the hole. “And out. And cracked the vault.” I say, spying another hole by the vault’s door. Cas tries pushing through the black hole, slapping his hands against it in vain. “Then why isn’t it working now?” He mutters. “I got no clue.”

*

We drive back to the motel after checking in with Sammy. “I’m still busy, Dean. Why don’t you and Cas grab dinner and head back to the motel, I’ll be out for a bit.”

I turn to Cas who has taken to sitting on my bed whenever we hang out in the motel room. “Hey, can I buy you dinner?” I joke. Cas looks up and walks to the door. “That sounds nice.” We find a little sushi place downtown. Usually me and Sam just get the cheapest and the closest thing to our motel. No need to get fancy, we’re working. But with Cas, something makes me want to get something nicer.

The waiter gives us a weird look as he sets up our table, but Cas doesn’t seem to notice. Looking at the menu now, I regret bringing Cas here. I know nothing of sushi. All I know is that its fancy. The waiter comes back and looks at us expectantly. “I- I , uh, can you give us a minute?” I manage. The waiter groans and walks away. Cas looks up from his menu. “I’d like to try the Unagi. Eel has always fascinated me. What are you having?” I shrug, feeling very lost with my four page menu. “Usually I just look for ‘burger’. I’ve never had fancy sushi before.” Cas looks at me curiously. “Then why did you drive us here if you had no idea how to order?” I feel my ears turn red. “I- uh…well…” The waiter comes back _Thank God_ and holds out his pad and pen. “Watashi wa unagi o motsu koto ni narimasu. Soshite, kare wa kariforuniarōru o motsu koto ni narimasu.” Cas says without missing a beat. The waiter bows and leaves.

“What did you just say?”  

“I gave him my order, and I ordered a California roll for you. It’s crab, cucumber, and avocado.”

“I didn’t know you could speak Japanese. But I guess you learned it while watching humanity for what 200 years.”

“More like 2000.” Cas corrects.

Our rolls come and I actually forget that we’re here on a case. It feels nice to relax. Cas orders us some Sake and we sip it while he tells me stories of Ancient Japan. “Did you know that there is a fish, called Fugu, that is extremely poisonous to eat if prepared incorrectly?” I shake my head, mouth full. Cas continues. “In order to be eaten, the meat must be kept clean and not touch various parts of the fish, otherwise death by paralysis and asphyxiation ensues. Chefs must be trained for ten years before being allowed to actually serve Fugu to guests.”

I shake my head again. “Doesn’t seem worth it.” “To the guests, it is. The chef doesn’t actually eliminate the poison completely; he just reduces it. Part of the experience is to feel some of the effects, albeit light, of the poison.” I pick up my Sake and lean back. “Crazy rich people. Gambling their lives just because they wanna get high or feel good.” “Many would do much more for a similar feeling.” Cas muses quietly, almost to himself, staring out the window. I follow his eyes and see a couple outside kissing under a lamppost. I down the rest of my drink and grab my coat.

*

Back at the motel, Cas sits on my bed looking through my things again, I think Dad’s journal this time, while I research possible loony-minded monsters. I mean I’m trying to research, but Cas’s rustling around is too distracting. “Your father… beautiful handwriting.” Something about Cas seems a bit off, he’s too fidgety, and keeps avoiding my eyes.

“How you feeling, Cas?”

“I’m fine.” He looks up briefly and then continues looking through the journal. By his nonchalance seems too forced. I try to press on, feeling nervous about bringing up…   _feelings._ “Well, I just—I- I know that when…” I sigh, trying to steel my nerves. “When I got puked out of Purgatory, it took me a few weeks to… find my sea legs.” He barely looks up this time. “I’m fine.” I watch him, trying to figure out where to go from here. _Probably just shooting myself in the leg here_. “Don’t get me wrong. I’m happy you’re back. I’m freakin thrilled.” Cas looks up slowly. “It’s just this whole mysterious resurrection thing- always has one mother of a downside.” Cas slowly closes the journal and sighs. He finally looks at me steadily. “So, what do you want me to do?” “Maybe take a trip upstairs?” I offer, but inwardly wince at the thought of him leaving again. “To Heaven?” He asks, almost accusingly. “Yeah” I continue, less confident. “Poke around, see if the God squad can’t tell us how you got out?” Cas looks away again. _Dangit._ “No.” Cas declares and looks pointedly down into the book again.

His response sends a light chuckle through me. “Look, man, I-I hate those flying- ass monkeys just as much as you do, but-”

“Dean!” Cas yells suddenly. “I said No!” _Woah, got something here._ I stare back at him. Cas looks away first. I close my laptop and walk over to the bed. I sit down across from him. I catch his eyes again. “Talk to me.” Cas looks away tiredly. “Dean, I…” He seems to be wrestling with something, but he makes up his mind, sighs, and turns to face me, brushing my knees as he does so. I can’t help but look down quickly at the contact. “When I was… bad… and I had all those things…” He leans forward. “The … the Leviathans… writhing inside me… I caused a lot of suffering on earth, but I _devastated_ Heaven. I vaporized thousands of my own kind, and I-I-I can’t go back.”

“Cause if you do, the angels will kill you.” I realize. Cas shakes his head slightly.

“Because if I see what Heaven’s become- what I…” he sighs raggedly. “What I made of it, I’m afraid I might kill myself.”

Time freezes for a moment, and I look at him. Cas looks at me with his blue eyes, but they look faded now. More gray than blue. And so tired. His eyes glisten slightly and I realize that he’s about to cry.

And Sam bursts through the door. “Hey, got something.” I look back at Cas and he looks like he’s about to break, but he steadies himself quickly. “Good. Excellent. What?” He says getting up and walking to Sam. I sit on the bed still, clenching my jaw. The guy is going through so much, but he tries to be strong. I walk over to Sam and join in the conversation. “So what, you think the house heist and Gary’s corpse are connected?” I look over at Cas quickly to see if he’s ok and he catches my eye before turning back to Sam. _I guess we’ll continue this later._

Sam explains his theory of the Black Hole as he shows us the places that have been robbed on the map he spread out on the table. “Now the house, the office, every place he’s hit, belonged to someone living at the Sunset Field’s Retirement Home.” “So you think our guy’s there? Alright. Well, let’s gear up. It’s Wabbit Season.” I say with a chuckle. Sam smiles lightly as he makes his way to our duffles. Cas, however, leans in and whispers “I don’t think you pronounced that correctly.” I grin and make a mental note of showing Cas a few episodes once we get back home.

*


	15. I'll Watch Over You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part 3 of Hunter Heroici

As we walk to our duffles, a wave of exhaustion washes over me. “Wait, Sam. Can’t we take a breather? We still haven’t slept, and it’s like 5 am.” Sam checks his watch and nods. “Wow, I didn’t even notice. Plus, the retirement community doesn’t open to visitors until 11 anyway.” “Great,” I beam. “Sleep for all.” I make my way to the bathroom and brush my teeth and change into sweats. When I come out, I see Cas has already taken up residence sitting on my bed again, engrossed in looking through the motel room service pamphlet.

“Hungry? We just ate.”

Cas looks up with a small smile. “Yes, I am satisfied, I was just curious.” Cas puts down the pamphlet and picks up John’s journal. “I’ll keep researching.” I shift from one foot to the other. “Yeah…” I look to Sam for help, but he’s already passed out on his bed, sprawled out like a starfish. I’d rather not go through this situation again, but I’m too tired to argue. “Just- don’t lay down.” I say gruffly, as I pull back the covers and slide into the bed. “I don’t need to sleep, Dean. Rest.” As I slowly sink into sleep, I hear him murmur “I’ll watch over you.”

*

Nightmares of Purgatory plague my dreams. Images of fangs and blood and running. I wake up once, briefly, heart racing. A little dazed, I look up at the figure sitting next to me. “Cas?” I ask blearily. “Yes, I’m here.” He turns to me, his blue eyes shining faintly in the motel light. “You still have time to sleep. Are you alright?” “Nightmare. Purgatory.” I mumble into the pillow. A hand reaches out tentatively and is placed on my back. “You’re ok. We’re back now.” A pause. “I’m here now.” I reach out hesitantly and grab the hem of that stupid trenchcoat, just near the bottom, and grip it as I fall back asleep. Cas keeps his hand there until I wake up, still clutching the trenchcoat. If Sam notices, he doesn’t say anything.

*

11 am rolls around and we drive to the rest home. I never thought I’d grow old; I always pictured myself dying under a shower of bullets or something awesome like that. Seeing all these people, old and frail, makes me wonder how it would be to live a long life like them. I try to give the residents a wide berth, subconsciously not wanting to get the “old” on me. I know I’m being childish and Sam calls me out.

“Come on, it’s not that bad.”

“You can’t tell me this joint doesn’t give you the heebs and/or the jeebs.”

I turn around and almost bump into a man who introduces himself as the doctor of Sunset Fields. Sam and I flash our badges. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Cas reach inside his coat for his, but falters. _It must have fallen out while he sat on my bed_. Nevertheless, he plods forward. “We need to question your residents.”

Dr. Mahoney gives us his permission to begin questioning.

“Alright, let’s do this. No flirting, you two.” I try to joke. I was talking about them, individually, flirting with the residents, but I guess it came off as no flirting between the two of them, because Cas eyes Sam suspiciously and Sam takes a step away from him.

*

I’m interviewing an old man who is looking through pictures of his dogs. As I look over them with him, I glimpse around and see Cas sitting with a woman who seems to be awestruck by him. I excuse myself from the man and sit down just in time to hear her say “You are so pretty, Charles.” Cas glances at me awkwardly, unsure how to react. “That’s not my name…” “Oh! You look just like my third husband.” She explains. I try to picture not-Cas married to this lady. Feeling a little awkward, I steal a look at Cas and try to gauge his reactions. He does nothing, so I cut in. “We’re here to talk about the robbery, ma’am. Someone broke into your old house and stole a stack of bearer bonds and, um, some jewelry under the floorboards.” “Oh my diamonds, yes!” She nods excitedly and then turns back to Cas. “I’m sorry, Charles. I didn’t trust you.” She apologizes. “You were quite the bounder.” I smile at Cas as I try to picture not-Cas-Charles-whatever being a playboy.

“Did you tell anyone where your valuables were, Mrs. Tate?” Cas seems all grown up, being a good interrogator now. I realize that I’m still smiling at Cas, but I don’t care. “…I get a little fuzzy sometimes.” I zone back into the conversation. “Have you noticed anything strange lately- cold spots, smells?” Mrs. Tate thinks for a moment then says “Well, there’s the cat. He talks sometimes.” I turn to Cas, not sure how to deal with this information, but I think he sees that as an act of delegation. “I’ll interrogate the cat.” He assures me and walks over to it.

*

“Fred Jones, he was psychic, right?”

“Psychokinetic.” I correct. “Why?”

Sam laughs lightly. “Cause he’s in room 114.”

I turn to call Cas over and see him still crouched down in front of the cat, hand on its head. “Cas. Let’s go.” I whisper. Cas looks up at me from under his eyebrows. “I’ve almost cracked him.” “Now.” I urge. Cas reluctantly stands up with a parting word to the cat. “Hey, I’m not through with you.” Sam and I chuckle and walk to the room.

*

“So, you really think this one man is causing all of these… shenanigans?” Cas asks quietly.

“Well if he is, he’d be surrounded by a circle of crazy, right?” I rack my brain trying to think of ways to prove this loony theory rings true, but the only thing I can think of was our first stiff and his exploding heart. I don’t want to venture into that territory anytime soon. I see a book on the table, come up with plan B, then slam the book into my head. A loud clang rounds in the room and I swear I can hear birds chirping. “Bingo!”

Cas looks down at Fred confused. “But how?”

Sam stands up. “Fred’s got juice… he can reshape reality.” “Alright, so where’s his off switch?” I ask, thinking hard. Cas shifts from one foot to the other. “Do we… kill him?” “Excuse me, Agents, but did he just threaten to murder one of my patients?” I look at Cas trying to come up with an explanation, but come up empty. Long story short, we get “invited” to leave the premises.

“Real freakin smooth.” I mutter as we swing through the doors. _Cas had been doing so well._ “We don’t have to leave him.” Cas argues. “I could teleport him.” “Me and Sam will circle back tonight, get Fred nice and clean. You go invisible girl and keep an eye on him, you hear me?” I turn to Cas, but all I see is an empty hallway. I ignore the knot forming in my gut at the sound of his wings flapping away. _He’s not leaving. He’s still staying with us. It’s just part of the job. He’ll be back. Please come back…_


	16. Ode To Joy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Final and 4th Part of Hunter Heroici

After me and Sam grabbed some tacos at a nearby food truck, I get a call from Cas. I quickly swallow what’s left in my mouth and answer.

 “Problem already? We just got lunch, can’t we get a break?”

“Dean. There’s been an accident.”

“Yeah, no kidding.” I look at my taco. “I ain’t even halfway done.”

Cas sighs audibly into the phone and I have to move it away from my ear. “Geez, Cas. What’s got your panties into a twist?”

“I don’t wear- Just come here.” I hear the phone click and I look over to Sam. “Take it to go?”

*

Sam and I sneak past the doctor and I make my way into the rec room while Sam checks on Fred. Brown and pink splatters cover the wall and the place smells like a bakery. Although the entire room is covered in- whatever it is- that stupid trenchcoat is still clean. Cas turns around and sees me. I see his shoulders relax a little.

“What the hell happened?” Cas sighs again. “There was a … pastry mishap.”

“Okay, and?”

“And the frosting reached near-supersonic speeds. I thought-”

Sam rushes in. “Hey. Fred’s gone.”

“What?” Cas whines.

“Oh fan-freaking-tastic. Way to take your eye off the ball.” Cas drops his eyes and looks away. _Crap. I gotta stop that._ The nurse walks by pushing our little old lady. “You’re not supposed to be here.” She admonishes.

Before we can think of an excuse, old lady looks up at Cas. “Charles, she’s wearing my diamonds.” The nurse’s eyes widen and she pushes the wheelchair forward, but Cas is quicker. “Wait. This is Mrs. Tate’s bracelet.” _Oh yeah, Mrs. Tate. That’s her name._ “Where did you get it?” He demands. She stares at us blankly. I stand closer to Cas. “Answer the question.” She starts. “My boyfriend gave it to me.”

“Where is he now?” asks Sam. She stutters out an address and we all run to the car.

*

Sam jimmies the lock on the apartment door and I burst in. A quick scope of the place tells us this is the right guy. “Dean.” Sam calls out. I spot a leg as I walk over. Apparently Mr. Boyfriend didn’t make it that far. He groans and coughs up some blood- guy’s been shot in the stomach. “Cas-” I start. But he’s already knelt next to the guy and in the process of healing him. The guy groans loudly, but then relaxes. He lifts up his shirt in wonder. “How did you-?” “Guy eats his Wheaties.” I cut in. “Sam, come on.” We grab the guy and sit him on a chair, protesting the whole time. “Hey, hey, hey! Listen to me. Where is Fred Jones?”

Poor guy looks around in confusion. “I- he-he took him.” “Who?!” I yell. He shifts in his seat. “Dr. Mahoney. He’s evil, man. He’s using Mr. Jones.” He then proceeds to tell us everything: how they found out Fred had powers, their robberies, and finally the Doctor’s plan to kill Fred. As soon as I hear that part, I walk out the door. Cas follows me quickly, then Sam after a parting glare at the guy.

We make it to the bank in under 10 minutes. “Alright, Jones has got to be close. I’ll hit up the bank, and you see if you can go find him.” Sam and Cas walk away and I round the corner to find a large black circle painted onto the wall. I take a quick look over my shoulder and slowly poke the circle. My finger touches nothing. “Awesome.” I laugh.

*

Sam drives the van with Fred back to the Resting home, while Cas and I take Baby. I don’t feel like listening to music after watching Fred go through the process of removing his telekinesis. “Is he going to be ok?” I ask quietly. “Yes.” Cas murmurs back. “Hey, Cas.” I begin, not sure where I’m going with this. “You did the right thing back there. He was right- he would have been used again, and more people would’ve gotten hurt.” Cas looks out the window, but doesn’t say anything. _What are you thinking about, angel?_

*

We take Fred back to his room after tipping off the police to the whereabouts of The Black Hole and his “suicide”. We all stand around Fred, back in his wheelchair again, silently. “Is he- uh- is he okay?” Sam asks. “He’s listening to Ode to Joy. He’s happy.” Cas smiles at me. I smile back. “Alright, well, let’s blow this termite terrace. Cas-” I pause. “You get to ride shotgun. You done good.” “Thanks, but I- uh-” I turn back to him, that knot forming in my stomach again. He meets my eyes this time. “I can’t come. I, uh…” Cas trails off.

“You- you what, Cas? Why can’t you come with us?” Sam asks for me. “I, um... I want to stay with Mr. Jones. Someone should watch over him for a few days just to be safe.” He doesn’t meet my eyes anymore. “Okay, and then what?” I think I sound a little too desperate, but no one seems to notice. “Then, I’m not sure.” _He’s leaving again..._ It’s my turn to look away. “But I know I can’t run away anymore.”

I think back to what Cas said in the motel room.

  _“Because if I see what Heaven’s become- what I…what I made of it, I’m afraid I might kill myself.”_

I can’t handle this right now. I turn away with a “Sammy, you with me?” which sounds more bitter than I wanted, and I stalk out the door. I turn back one last time and see Cas sit down next to Fred and smile.


	17. Road Trippin'

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part 1 of Torn and Frayed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song near the end can be seen as a duet if you look hard enough ;)

 

I left Texas fuming, and it wasn’t until I got to New Mexico that I finally stopped. I found one of Bobby's old safehouses and made camp there. The next few days were a blur. I mostly drank; barely ate. I thought about calling Benny, calling Cas, but I never pressed dial. I fell asleep on the ratty couch mid-beer; slowly sinking into restless sleep.

I woke up with a tingling feeling in the back of my head. I blink my eyes open and see a figure standing off to the side. I jerk upwards, spilling my beer in the process. My brain catches up and I realize it’s Cas.

“Damnit, Cas!” I groan, slamming my now empty bottle down on the coffee table. “How many times I got to tell you? It’s just creepy!” I start wiping off my shirt angrily. “Dean, I need your help. The angel Samandriel has been taken.” I forget my wet shirt and look up, morning-grump gone. “You mean Alfie? The Wiener-on-a-Stick kid?” “Yes…” Cas starts hesitantly, not meeting my eyes. I’m guessing he feels bad for peeping on me, but the dude’s got to learn. “I… I heard his distress call this morning.” I rub my eyes. “On what, Angel Radio? I thought you shut that down.” “Well, my penance, it’s going well, and I thought it was time to turn it back on.” He tries to hold back a small smile. “I’ve, uh, been helping people, Dean.” “Well, good for you.” I stand up slowly and stretch. _Gosh this couch is worse than the floor._

“All right,” I sigh “Who snatched Heaven’s most adorable angel?” Cas’s face hardens. “Crowley.” _Ugh, hate that douchebag._ “I’m listening.”

“Samandriel is being held in the general vicinity of Hastings, Nebraska.” I’m slightly distracted by his face. He’s currently smiling ever so slightly, just staring at me. I don’t know what is going on in there, but _something’s_ happening. I just can’t get a read on the emotion. I realize he’s waiting for an answer. “The general vicinity? That’s all you got?” “Yes, which is why… I need your help. It seems this is going to involve… talking to people.” Cas looks kinda upset, but I can’t help but throw in a joke. “Come on, Cas, I thought you were a hunter now.” I walk past him to my computer. “Well... I thought so too, but…” I sit down and start to open my laptop. “It seems I – I lack a certain…” “Skill?” I supply. The computer loads up and _fan-freaking-tastic_ I left it on one of my… hobby sites. I quickly shut the laptop before anything starts to play, but I’m pretty sure Cas saw what was on there. “You saw nothing.” I enunciate. Cas looks up, as if to speak, thinks better of it, and looks away. Before my screen turns back on, I already have my mouse moving to exit out. I keep my hand up over the screen, just in case.

“All right. What am I looking for?” “Well,” Cas starts as he walks to stand behind me. “When you torture an angel, it screams, and that kind of pain, it creates a ripple effect of strange incidences.” Cas stops. “Where’s Sam?” _Wow, almost forgot about him..._ It still hurts, though _._ “Sam’s gone. It’s all right, we’ll find Alfie ourselves…“ I say quietly, almost to myself.

*

“Hastings.” I muse as I pack my duffle. “That’s like 12 hours from here.” Cas gets up from the couch. “Yes… I could fly us there-” He reaches out to touch me, but I step back quickly and his eyes fall. “No way, man. You know how flying gets to me. You want to sleep- uh room with me once my stomach is all riled up?” Cas opens his mouth, confused. “Besides,” I cut him off with a smile. “I just found one of my old cassette tapes.”

*

5 hours in and we’ve listened to my cassette twice over. I can tell Cas is getting antsy. “Hey,” I reach over and pat his leg. “You can pick the music now, and I’ll find us a place to pull over and stretch.” We pass a sign that says Delhi. “I never knew they had a Delhi in Colorado. Maybe we should stop and get some soup.” I joke, but Cas keeps looking out the window. “They filmed a scene from the 1973 film Badlands here.” He states. “Really? I liked that one. Sissy Spacek… She was kinda hot. I liked her freckles.” “Yes, I always thought freckles were quite beautiful.” “Did you know some people refer to them as ‘Angel Kisses’? ” I ask, immediately regretting it. I make a face out the window, then look back at him. Cas turns to me, eyes glinting. “Interesting.” Thankfully, he stops staring and turns to the radio. I mentally face-palm and clear my throat. “So- uh- you gonna turn that thing on, or what?” Cas obliges and static fills the car. “You gotta- gotta turn this knob- here. Then it changes the station.”

After some fiddling, Cas finds a station that doesn’t crackle with white noise. Soft guitar fills the car and Cas pauses, head tilted to listen. After a few notes, he leans back, satisfied with his choice of music. The voice begins to sing and I swear I only swerved because of a pothole.

_“I’m in love with an angel, heaven forbid  
Made me a believer, with the touch of your skin.”_

Cas opens his eyes and steadies himself. He turns to me puzzled, probably about to ask why we swerved, but suddenly leans forward violently.

_“I’d go to hell and back with you  
Still lost in what we found.”_

I keep staring straight ahead, knuckles white, determined to ride out the song.

_“You wanted a soldier  
But it wasn't me.”_

I scan the skyline looking for the Mystery Spot sign. There’s no other explanation for this.

_“Maybe I’m crazy maybe I’m weak  
Maybe I’m blinded by what I see”_

As I merge lanes, I sneak a look over at Cas. He’s got his eyes closed with a weird expression on his face. Headlights from a passing car make me focus back on the road. I smile to myself. _Maybe this song isn’t so bad after all._

_“Worlds apart we were the same  
Until you hit the ground”_

*

3 hours left, but I’m exhausted. I pull over at the next rest stop. I park Baby in the back, under an oak and lean back in my seat, trying to get comfortable. I think better of it and jump into the backseat to lay down. I pass out after a few minutes. A few hours later, I wake up to a deep humming sound. I crack open my eyes to see Cas just outside leaning on the hood watching the sunrise. He’s humming that song. I notice the dew gathering on that stupid trenchcoat- _Guess he’s been outside since I fell asleep._ He turns to me. “Good, you’re awake. We should be going. I didn’t think it would be appropriate of me to drive-” “You thought right.” I affirm climbing into the front seat. “Time to go. But first, we find coffee.”

_*_

After we check into our motel- _still can’t believe they thought we wanted one king instead of two twins-_ I try to hack into the police scanner, with a little difficulty. If Sam were here, he would have already hacked in…. I shake my head to clear my thoughts and continue. Cas has taken the bed by the window and is currently trying to decide which pillow would be the most comfortable to lean on while he watches tv. I watch him silently glare and two pillows in his hands. “They’re exactly the same, Cas.” Cas turns to me, still glaring. “One is softer, but the other is more rectangular.” I shake my head and turn back to the computer leaving Cas to make his impossible decision.

“Got it!” I lean back, proudly. I look over at Cas and see the two pillows discarded on my bed as he lays half off his bed, engrossed in the room service menu. “We’ll get lunch in a bit, Cas.” A beep from the computer turns me back. “Scratch that, after checking this out.”

*


	18. You, Me, and a Demon Knife

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part 2 of Torn and Frayed

Cas and I drive over to the hospital to interview a possible witness of this “angel-effect”. As we walk through the hallways, Cas pauses to adjust his FBI badge inside that stupid trenchcoat. “Listen, man.” I remind him. “Let me do the talking. We don’t want a re-run of last time.” “Really? I thought that method worked quite well.” Cas deadpans. _I think I’m getting your sense of humor now…_ I think back to Cas’s attempt at an interrogation and smile. “Oh and, we’re not FBI today, we’re press. Room 203, here we go.”

“Mr. Hinkley?” I ask as I knock on his open door. The poor guy looks like he came back from sun tanning in Death Valley. “Hi. Uh, we’re from the _Geneva Gazette_. I wanted to ask you a few questions about your… ambush.” I chuckle at my own joke, but the guy keeps on staring. _Tough crowd._ “Yeah, well, I’d laugh too, if I didn’t feel like the sun just ate my face.” Cas leans in closer and whispers loudly into my ear. “It’s a metaphor.” _Wow, thank you._ I turn back to Human BBQ. “Sorry. Uh, now, in the police report, it said that the, uh – the bush talked to you, yeah?”

The guy tries to nod “Yeah, I know it sounds crazy, but yeah.” “And what did it say?” Cas asks. _Maybe he’s got something._ “No clue. Sounded like Klingon to me.” “Gonna need exact words.” I press. “Are you serious?” The guy asks. Cas leans over, studies my face, and turns back to him. “That’s his serious face, yes.” _Either Cas is SUPER good at being sarcastic and he’s flipping hilarious, or he’s more clueless than I thought._ Something makes me think it’s the former. “As much as you can remember, Mr. Hinkley.” “Sounded like…” he muses. “Sol voch… yeah sol voch tay…” He drifts off and looks back at us. I have no clue, so I turn to Cas. He nods once. I finish up quickly and we leave the room.

“Well what do you think? Mean anything to you?” I ask as we walk down the hallway. “Yes. It’s Enochian. It means ‘obey’.” “Obey? Obey what?” “I don’t know… but the amount of pain an angel must be in not just to manifest through shrubbery, ( _heh shrubbery)_ but to burn-“ He turns to me anxiously. “Dean… we have to find him before it’s too late.” For some reason, my brain gets distracted and I find myself staring at his mouth.  _I really need some water._ I swallow subconsciously. “Okay.” I look around to clear my head. I wipe my mouth with my hand as I continue. “Okay, well, look, a sign like that—Alfie can’t be too far, right? So we’ll start at the bush and work our way out.” “And look for what exactly? Crowley could have him anywhere.” “Well, if I know Crowley, the place will be swarming with demons, so we just drive until we see the ugly.”

*

After two hours of driving, parking, and poking around, we still got nothing. “Anything you can pick up on Angel Radio, Cas?” Cas continues staring out the window, scanning the passersby. “No… but I know he’s here… I can feel him- it- it’s so close, but I just can’t pinpoint…” “Hey, don’t hurt yourself.” I put my hand on his shoulder. “We’ll find him.” I see a small gravel road behind him. “Hey,” I motion “haven’t gone down there yet.”

We pull up to an old chain link fence. Behind the fence a couple of yards away are some hobos warming themselves over a trashcan fire. Behind them is an old abandoned factory. I shut the car off and survey the building. “Wow, would you look at that. Our ninth abandoned factory. Ain’t that America?” I turn back to Cas, smiling easily. “Hey, what do you say, this doesn’t pan out, we head back to that Beer and Bacon happy hour about a mile back, huh?” Cas doesn’t even look at me. “Wait a minute, Dean. Those derelicts, they’re demons. I can see their true faces.” I grab my binoculars and have a look. “Crowley’s got that many monkeys outside, he’s gotta have at least double inside.” I try to hide the disappointment in my voice. I set my jaw. _This would be a great time for Sammy to be around._ “And angel warding. I can feel it.” Cas sighs. “Well, you, me, and a demon knife ain’t gonna cut it.” As if reading my mind, Cas sighs again. “Okay, I’ll get Sam.” “No!” I blurt, a little forcefully and place the binoculars down. “We don’t need Sam.” “Bu you just said-” Cas starts. “Look, if Sam wanted in, he’s be here, okay?” I know I’m being a little too rough with Cas, but there’s nothing I want less than to talk about Sammy not being here right now. Cas, taken aback by my outburst, turns away and looks out the window. “I got a better idea.” I tell him.

*

Cas flies us into Garth’s boat. _Man, that was way too easy. We gotta talk to Garth about better warding. You never know who might want to get his hands on a prophet._ Kevin doesn’t look too surprised to see us. He does get a little upset when we ask for more demon bombs, but Cas calms him down pretty quickly. For a guy who has little to no “people skills”, the guy is pretty good with an AP honors student/prophet of the Lord. Cas flies off while I pace around the boat while Kevin does more translating. “Come on, how long does it take to get a calf’s skull from Egypt?” I mutter. _Maybe he’s still pissed that I snapped at him._ After I search for, find, and eat all of Kevin’s Doritos, I hear Cas’s trenchcoat flapping.

“I got what we need.”

“Oh, it’s about time.” I turn around.

_Sammy._

“What’s he doing here?” I ask coolly.

“Don’t worry, Dean. After we save Alfie, I’m out.” Sam tries.

“Oh, once ‘we’ save Alfie. Don’t hurt yourself Sam.” I snap. “Cas and I can handle it.”

“Not according to Cas.” Sam fires back.

“I told you we didn’t need him.” I try to keep my emotions in check when addressing Cas. Cas finally looks up from rummaging in the sack he brought. “We need _everything,_ Dean.” _Yeah he’s still pissed at me._ I stare him down. “And I need both of you, as you say, to stow your crap. Can you do that?” He growls. I glare at Cas, then Sam, reach into the fridge, and crack open a beer.

_Son of a bitch._


	19. Operation: Save Alfie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part 3 of Torn and Frayed

Sam strides to the car while I hang back a minute to talk to Cas. “Dean, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.” Cas lifts his head defiantly. “But I’m not sorry I brought Sam. You _know_ we’re going to need him.” “Yeah,” I grumble. “But that doesn’t mean I have to like it.” We make our way over to Baby and Sam has already taken up shop in the shotgun seat. I turn to Cas with a look and climb inside.

*

Once we park and get out, Cas flies off to get a quick scope of the place. I hear Sam shuffle his feet and a sharp intake of breath. I keep staring at the lamppost. “Dean-” Sam starts. “Save it.” I mutter. We wait in silence. Pretty soon, Cas comes back. “So there are four main points of warding. North, South, East, and West. And four Enochian symbols… that look like-” Cas draws a symbol on Sam’s palm. “-this that you need to destroy before I can come in.”

“So what, we go in, take care of the hell mooks and you extract the angel?”

Cas focuses on me and nods once. “After killing so many, I need to save at least one.” He sighs wearily.

A not so distant memory comes to mind and I realize that this is personal.

_“I devastated Heaven. I vaporized thousands of my own kind, and I-I-I can’t go back.”_

_“Cause if you do, the angels will kill you.” I realize. Cas shakes his head slightly…_

 “Sounds like a plan.”

Sam’s voice shakes me from my thoughts and I nod. “Okay.” I say as I pull out my knife. “Let’s do this.”

*

I pace the hallways silently, occasionally stopping to spray an X over the sigils Cas showed us. I can hear Alfie screaming. _Hold on, man. We’re coming for you._ I want to just follow the sound and stick my knife in Crowley’s smug face, but I know, we’re gonna need Cas. _Two down, two to go.._ I hear Sam spraying another sigil, but then I hear noises coming from Sam’s direction. Sam stabs one demon, but while he’s distracted, another comes up behind him. I manage to get in and cut him down. “Thanks.” Sam pants. “Come on.” I grumble and walk off determined to find the last sigil before our presence is known and our hope of Cas coming as backup is shattered.

I hear footsteps coming down the hallway we’re walking on and also from behind. _They know we’re here. Might as well use the bombs_. I pull a bomb from my pocket. Sam nods and takes one out of his bag. I light mine and toss it behind us and the explosion disintegrates them on the spot. We find the last sigil and cross it out. “Alright, anytime now, Cas.” I pray.

A flutter from that stupid trenchcoat and Cas is in front of me, panting heavily. My eyes scan him for wounds, be he seems fine. Besides from looking like he’s in searing pain, that is. “Cas? Hey, you okay?” Sam comes up. Cas looks up and around at the other sigils painted on the walls. “Must be the sigils. I’m not at full power.” _Yeah, no kidding._ I scan the walls. “Sam, help me muss this crud.” I reach for my paint can, but Cas stops me. “No, wait, there’s no time. Samandriel won’t last much longer.” I turn to the metal door and start trying to break it down. I turn back to Cas to see how he’s doing. Cas has backed up into the wall clutching his ears. He looks terrified. _What the hell is happening?_

“Dean! Hurry up!” “I’m trying!” I grunt back, slamming into the door, over and over. Sam starts to help me and we manage to break down the door. Crowley is nowhere to be seen, but one demon still remains. I lunge at him while Cas makes his way down to help free Alfie. Another demon comes out of nowhere and tackles Sam. I help Sam kill ugly #2 and I jump back onto “the doctor”. “Cas! Go!” I yell and Cas and Alfie disappear. Ugly #1 makes a pathetic plea for his life, but it’s nothing I haven’t heard before. After the electricity crackling dies down, I look up at Sam. “You okay?” I ask gruffly. He nods once and we make our way back to Baby.

*

As soon as Baby is in sight, I catch a glimpse of tan huddled on the floor. Fearing the worst, I bolt to the car. “Cas! What the hell happened?” Sam calls out. Cas slowly lifts his head from Alfie’s shoulder and his eyes seem to un-focus for a moment. “He was compromised.” He slowly stands, still looking distant. “He came at me.” He finally meets my eyes, expression unreadable. “I killed him in self-defense.” _Seriously, what is going on?_ I take a step forward. “Cas, you okay?” Blood starts to drip from his right eye. Cas wipes at the drop and considers it. “My vessel must have been damaged in the melee.” He states flatly. “I have to go.” I can feel my stomach drop. “Samandriel’s remains belong in Heaven.”

Cas bends down to hold onto Alfie. My brain kicks in at the last moment. _If he goes to Heaven, then…_ “Cas, wait.” “Thank you both.” Cas looks up, expressionless. “For everything you’ve done.”

_“Because if I see what Heaven’s become- what I…” he sighs raggedly. “What I made of it, I’m afraid I might kill myself.”_

“Cas!”

*

Sam and I drive back to the safe-house in edgy silence. We both want to discuss what happened back there, but we need angel proofing first. Once we arrive, we update the warding with the new angel sigils Cas showed us. I feel bad, but Sam and I need to talk. Sam finishes the last sigil on the door and turns back to me.

“Okay. That should do it. Cas can’t see or hear us now.” “Okay, what the hell?”

“I know.” He sighs.

“I told you something was off with him since he got back from Purgatory.” _I felt it… I should have trusted my gut._

“So, what? Think someone’s messing with him?”

“Who?”

“Angels?” Sam tries.

“Why would the angels have him kill _another_ angel?” I groan. _What is going on, Cas?_ Sam sighs helplessly. _Maybe Sam and I can call…_ I stop and realize Sam should be going back soon. Amelia is waiting for him. “You know what, Sam? I got this. You go.”

 “What?”

“Don’t you have a girl to get back to?” I ask tiredly.

He looks down, considering. “Yeah… I guess I do…” _You leaving me too Sammy?_ ” Since when are you on the Amelia bandwagon?”

“I don’t know. I’m just tired of all the fighting.” Suddenly thirsty, I walk past him to grab a beer. “And, you know, maybe I’m a little bit jealous.” Thinking quickly, I add. “I could never separate myself from the job like you could. Hell, maybe it’s time for at least one of us to be happy…” I finish quietly.

“What, you being such a big hugger and all?” Sam jokes. I wave my hand in response.

But Sam stays.

And everything goes back to normal.

But Cas is gone.


	20. Leaving a Light On

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Excerpt from "Remember the Titans"

 

Sam’s confession still ringing in my ears, I slowly make my way through the bunker halls to my room.

“ _I’m starting to think maybe I was being naïve… when I said that I could just will myself into coming out of these trials unscathed._ ”

I pass the entrance to the kitchen. Pausing, I consider grabbing a beer, but I’m too tired to walk all the way to the fridge. I trudge down the hall, slowly stripping myself of my dirty jacket. It smells faintly of smoke and sweat. _Gotta wash that._ Sam had gotten out of the car quickly and headed straight for his room. The light is still on, coming out from under the door, but I keep walking. I had left the light on in my room again.

_“Try to leave a light on when I'm gone_   
_Something I rely on to get home_   
_One I can feel at night_   
_A naked light, a fire to keep me warm”_

I close the door slowly, resting my head on the door once it shuts. After a beat, I turn around and toss my jacket to Cas’s chair. _My chair. He just sits in it sometimes._ I rub my eyes as I finally let myself think about it. I thought I’d fall asleep once I hit my bed, but I stay seated at the edge. I take a breath. _No harm in trying._

“Cas, you got your ears on?” My voice sounds more wrecked than I thought it would. I look around the room, waiting. Wanting to hear the flap of that stupid trenchcoat or feel the atmospheric change. Nothing. _Of course_. “Listen, you know I’m not one for praying… cause in my book, it’s the same as begging.” I feel stupid for starting, but might as well finish. “But this is about Sam, so I need you to hear me.” I feel my eyes start to well up, but I swallow and try to keep talking. “We are walking into this deal blind…and I don’t know what’s ahead. Or what it’s going to bring for Sam.” I manage a small smile. “Now, he’s covering pretty good, but I know that he is hurting. And this one was supposed to be on me.” I feel hollow inside. _“Take care of Sammy.”_ That was my one job. And I failed once again. I look back up. “So for all that we’ve been through… I’m asking you…” I close my eyes as a last resort against the incoming tears. “You keep a look out for my little brother, okay?” I open my eyes and look around the room again, my eyes landing on hi-my chair. Waiting. But Cas doesn’t show.

“Where the hell are you, man?”


	21. Stormtroopers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part 1 of Goodbye Stranger

“So, somebody's killing demons. Well, that is awesome.” I say, walking down the steps to the car. “I feel like we should send a card or flowers. What kind of flower says ‘thanks for killing demons’?”

“Yeah, but who's killing demons? And why? And, by the way, since when does a demon possess someone, then go all ‘Beautiful Mind’ and -- and start digging in the dirt? Does any of this seem right to you?”

I shrug. “I like the killing demons part.”

*

“Oh. That's probably him. Maybe he can help.”

Ms Rice opens the front door to reveal 3 men. As soon as Sam and I step into view, their eyes flick black and charge.

Sam is busy with one, and the second gets away. Before I get to shove my knife into the third, he smokes out and into Ms. Rice. _Dammit._ I run after her and into another room. I suddenly the room change. I hear high-pitched ringing and a scream. I run in to see Cas holding “Ms. Rice” by the hair and smiting the last demon. _He’s back._ But something’s wrong. The sinking feeling in my stomach grows as he looks at me. “Do you have rope?” “Uh, yeah... I’ll get it” Cas drags Ms. Rice into the kitchen and I grab some rope from the trunk. Sam stays in the living room, rubbing his shoulder when he thinks I’m not looking. Cas is silent and he sits her down and starts to tie her up. Not feeling helpful in the kitchen, I grab an ice pack, walk into the living room, and toss it to Sam.

“Put this on your shoulder.”

Sam groans and tosses it away. “I’m fine.”

“The other demon escaped.” Cas states as he walks in. “I bound the one I caught in a devil’s trap. I’ll interrogate it now.” He turns away but Sam stops him.

“Wait a second. Cas. How about you answer some questions first? Like where the hell have you been?”

I stare at the back of his head expectantly. I don’t know what I’m waiting for. A good excuse maybe. An apology? Cas turns his head back slightly towards me. “You heard me, didn’t you?” I realize.

“Wait, you prayed to him?” Sam asks, concerned. I don’t answer him.

“Yes, I heard you. But that’s not why I am here.” Cas sits down and sighs. He rubs his chin. A human trait he picked up. Something in the back of my head picks up on the meaning on the body language. _Self soothing. Why does he need to comfort himself? Guy is a freaking puzzle._

“So this is you?” Sam asks, clearly upset. “Why?”

His eyes un-focus for a split second. “I’ve been searching for the other half of the demon tablet.”

It’s my turn to be upset. “Without us?”

Cas leans forward. “I’ve been trying to help, Dean.” He grits. “In my search, I uncovered that Crowley has sent out a number of demons to find Lucifer’s Crypts.”

“Lucifer has crypts?”

“Dozens of them, apparently.”

“But why all the storage wars? I mean why are they looking for them?”

Glassy eyes again. “Um. They’re looking for a parchment that would allow them to decipher Crowley’s half of the demon tablet without a prophet.”

“A demonic decoder ring in Crowley’s hands? Awesome.” _This day just keeps on getting better._

“The crypts were, uh, lost over time. Only those closest to Lucifer knew their whereabouts.”

“Then how did Crowley find them?” Sam asks carefully. Cas stares him down. “His demons have been possessing locals who may have some special knowledge.” I start to zone out as Sam nods. “That would explain the crazy room in Ann’s house. But how would they know to start looking here in the first place?” Cas stands and brings my attention back. I realize I’ve been staring at the sleeve of that stupid trenchcoat “I don’t know. I’m hoping the strange-haired demon in the kitchen is more knowledgeable than the others I interrogated.” Cas walks out of the room without another word leaving me and Sam in uncomfortable silence.

“Well, he puts the ‘ass’ in Cas, huh?”

Sam shakes his head. “He’s definitely off.”

“Off?” I ask incredulously. “He hasn’t been right since he got back from Purgatory. We still don’t know how he got out of there.”

Sam doesn’t meet my eyes. “I don’t know, Dean. If he’s so sketchy, then why were you praying to him?”

_Dammit._ I rack my brain, looking for a smart retort, but before I get a chance, Cas calls from the other room. “You know, I can hear you both. I am a celestial being.” Sam looks back at me, so I shrug and we make our way to the kitchen.

*

The demon starts out teasing and the like- normal demony stuff. She’s directing it at Sam, so I sneak a look at Cas, trying to get a read on him. He’s staring blankly at her- not helpful. _Alright, time to begin._ “All right, you douchebag, listen-” Cas suddenly stabs his blade into her out-stretched hand. _What the hell?!_ Cas, unfazed by her screams, walks to her other side and continues “interrogating”. Sam and I share a look, not sure if we should jump in or not. Luckily, the demon starts to spill and Cas pulls his blade out. The demon mentions a hostage and I notice Cas turning to us, hesitatingly. Sam jumps in. “And she told you about the parchment?” “What parchment?” The demon spat. “Hey, hey!” I nod to Cas. “Think he’s the only bad cop in this room? Stop lying. We know what you’re really looking for.” The demon looks confused for a split second. “No. I’m telling you. We’re looking for-” Cas stabs her.

“Cas!” Sam steps forward. “What the hell was that?!”

“It told us what we needed.”

“No she didn’t! You can’t-”

“I started this hunt without you.” Cas cuts in coldly. “Because I didn’t want anything to slow me down.”

I watch them argue, dumbstruck. _What the hell is happening?_

“We have to get to the motel now.”

“Hold on a second-” Sam tries, but Cas is already gone.

“Cas? Cas! Damn it. Go, go, go.”

*

We race to the car and tear down the road. “Murray, right? That’s what she said?” “Yep. There. Park here.” Sam points. I pull over and he jumps out of the car. We run past guests and up the stairs. I pull out the demon knife and look around wildly. A scream and a flash of light behind the door next to us, so we break it down just in time to see a body fall to the ground.

Cas looks over at us casually. “Thanks for waiting.” Sam retorts. “The hostage is in there.”

I slowly open the door, expecting a fight. Instead, I see a bruised and bloody figure sitting against the wall. _Dammit._

“Aren’t you a little short for a Stormtrooper?”


	22. Goodbye Stranger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long to be uploaded! I wanted to give this episode justice. I hope you enjoy it!

Sammy and I sit Meg down and begin asking her questions. Cas stands off to the side, looking impatient. After a bit, he steps in. “So, what have they found?”

Meg turns to Cas.

“Bupkis. Every crypt's been one Al Capone's vault after another. And on top of that, someone kept picking up the trail and icing demons. I'm guessing that was you, Castiel. But Crowley keeps sending more. He’s hell-bent on-” Cas shifts on his feet, turning my head to the noise. I turn back quickly once I hear her finish. “-finding that Angel Tablet.” It takes a moment to register, then I turn to Cas in question. Cas continues to avoid my eyes. “Wait a second. Did you say Angel Tablet?” Sam asks. I stare at Cas as Meg answers, determined to catch his eye. “Well. This is news to me as well. The demons I interrogated must have been lying about their true intentions.” “Really?” I counter. “Because I saw you Zero Dark Thirty that demon. You were more than persuasive.” I can tell he’s lying, but I want to give him a chance to explain himself. Cas just turns away silently.

*

Cas avoids me at the house too. He didn’t ride with us, just flew to the basement and waited for us to change and drive over. I place myself opposite of him across the table as Meg shows us the location of the real crypt. “Is there any booze in this dump?” Meg starts walking towards the steps, pauses, then grabs hold of that stupid trenchcoat and pulls Cas upstairs with her.

*

Sammy starts researching the location on his laptop. I’m supposed to be helping him ID where it is on the model so he can translate it to Google Maps, but I just end up standing behind him staring at the screen. All I can think about is Cas.

“He lied to us.” I say after a silence. “Yeah, maybe.” Sam sighs. “But I can kind of understand why. I mean, an Angel Tablet? If the Demon Tablet can shut the gates of Hell, what can the Angel Tablet do?” _But he lied. Again._

“Here goes.” Sam zooms in on the screen. “All right. According to this, the crypt has to be below an abandoned building.” “Good times.” I grumble. “You really think we can trust Meg-stiel?” I hate putting those two together. It feels wrong. Meg killed Jo and Ellen. She almost killed us, on various occasions. Cas… Cas is family. Sam tilts his head. “No. But what choice do we have?”

We trudge up the stairs and into the living room to find Cas and Meg staring at each other. They’re not saying anything, so I speak up to break the silence. “All right. Let’s roll, campers.” I shake my head as Sam and I walk to the car. “Friggin’ weird, man.” Sam mumbles something under his breath. Can’t make out much, but it sounds like “Now you know how it feels.” “What?” I ask. Sam clears his throat as Cas and Meg walk out the door. “Nothing. Let’s go.”

*

Of course _now_ Cas rides in the car with us. I scan the houses and roads as we pass and only listen to Sammy. “An old shoe factory. Luckily, it closed down a couple of years back. Looks like they made…” Sam scrolls down on his phone. “Sneakers.” I hear Meg and Cas talking quietly in the back. Meg laughs lightly at something Cas says. As I glance into the rearview mirror, I catch Sam’s eye on the way back. He shrugs and I focus back on the road.

*

“So this is it. Basement?” Meg asks as we walk up to the building. I nod. Thinking quickly, I say “Alright Cas and I will head in and get our Indiana Jones on. Sam, you stay outside with Meg.” _Maybe if it’s just me and him, he’ll open up again._

“What?” Sam asks

“We got this.” I stare straight ahead.

“What are you talking about, Dean? I’m not letting you go in there alone.”

“He won’t be alone.” Cas says flatly.

Sam starts. “That’s not what I mean. Meg can hang here and watch our backs.”

“Oh what? Now you trust Meg?” I counter. Honestly, I don’t really trust Cas either, but it’s safer if Sammy stays behind. He can take it easy, and keep an eye on Meg while I keep an eye on Cas and maybe figure out what the hell is up with him.

“Hey, I got you this far.” Meg cuts in.

“Shut up, Meg.” Sam and I both say. “Dean-” “Sam, I saw your bloody rag in the trash can, okay?” _We don’t need this right now. Just let it go, Sam._ Sam tries to give an excuse, but I cut him off again. “Stop. Just stop. Sam, we don't know what's in there, okay? And you almost let a demon get the best of you back there.” _You’re supposed to be on my side here. Just sit this one out._

Sam scoffs lightly. “I’m fine.”

“No, you’re not fine. You haven’t been fine since the first trial! _That’s_ why I called Cas.”

“Dean.” Sam tried again. “I’m telling you, I’m okay.”

Cas finally speaks, sighing audibly. “No, you’re not. Sam… you’re damaged in ways even I can’t heal.” My stomach twists. _Is it really that serious? I knew it was bad, but_ _…_ “Dean’s right. You should stay here and protect Meg.”

I nod, making the final decision. “All right, we’ll be back.” I can tell Sam is pissed for being benched, but this isn’t a chance I can take. Not after what Cas said. I hand him the demon knife and follow Cas into the building.

*

Looking around the building with our flashlights, it almost feels like a normal case. Cas swats at a spider web that caught his face and I smile. I’m about to tease him, but I remember all the crap that’s going on. That sobers me up pretty quickly. I decide maybe now is the time to start asking questions. _I’ll start with something simple, first._ “Hey what did you mean back there about Sam?”

“It's difficult to say. It's something on the subatomic level and his electromagnetic field-”

“Okay, bottom-line it for me, Bill Nye. Is it lethal?”

Cas turns to me and sighs. “I don’t know.” He turns back to the wall he’s been studying. “Wait.” He puts his hand on the wall, sensing. I shine my light on the wall, scanning as well. “There's a draft. There's something behind there. Stand back.” He instructs. I back up slowly until my back hits something metal. Cas places his hand on the wall and the room begins to fill with a high-pitched ringing. _Sure hope no one is in there to hear this._ I wince as the ringing gets higher and more piercing, and then the stone wall starts to crack. Suddenly, it all comes down crumbling and I leap forward and drag Cas back to me. We stand there breathing heavily for a moment, my arms still around him. I feel him stiffen and I let go immediately. “Sorry, I should have bought you dinner first.” I say casually. Cas tilts his head. “Nevermind. Let’s go.”

*

Cas stands at the entrance of the crypt, hesitating. I turn my flashlight on him in question. He moves his head away from the light and steps into the crypt. As I walk around the crypt, I make a mental note that Cas is still standing off to the side, eyes a bit unfocused. I continue my search, not touching anything yet, just in case. “Dean.” Cas hasn’t spoken for a bit, so his sudden voice in the stillness makes me jump slightly. I shine my light back on him. “That’s it.” He points to a large box on one of the tables covered in cobwebs.

“How do you know?” I ask.

“It’s the only thing in this room warded against angels.”

I turn back to the unassuming box, pick it up, and place it on the center table. I find a small dagger and jab it into the crack of the opening. _Once this is open, the ward is broken…_ I shake my head. _Nothing is gonna happen. This is Cas._ The dagger goes in and I open the box. I lift the heavy lid and see the large stone that holds the tablet inside. I grin up at Cas. “Winner, winner. Chicken dinner.” He smiles at the stone and steps forward slowly. “Good. Hand it to me and I’ll take it to Heaven.” _What?_

I stop, both hands still holding the stone. Cas has a weird look in his eyes. “No… we’ll take it to _Kevin_ so he can translate.” I nod at him, waiting. Cas meets my eyes, with a small smile. “Right. Of course, I’ll take it to him right away.” He nods at the stone in my hands. “No time to waste.” I pause, choosing my words carefully. “Well, he’s not that far. I've been meaning to... go check on him, bring him some supplies.” Cas steps forward again, trying to get around the table. I circle as well, keeping the stone in both hands. “I can resupply the prophet, Dean.” Cas says steadily. He doesn’t look away the entire time.

 _New tactic._ “You know, why don't, uh, why don't Sam and I take it over to him, and you can get back to your mission?” We continue stepping carefully around the table. “Finding the other half of the Demon Tablet -- that is priority, isn't it?” I nod encouragingly, hoping he will just drop the subject. _This is getting weird._

Cas stops. “I can’t let you take that, Dean.” My grip tightens on the stone as my stomach drops. “Can’t or won’t?” Cas looks down at the stone again. “Both.” _This is my last chance._ _The one question that’s been bothering me this whole time._ I grip the stone tightly, but now walk forward purposefully. I remove the safety of the table between us as I walk closer to stand in front of him. I look at him carefully, then down at the stone. “How’d you get out of Purgatory, Cas?” I ask quietly, praying that he would shake off whatever this is. _If he can just be honest…_

Cas doesn’t answer, but begins to walk forward slowly again. I back up as well, keeping that 2 feet between us. “Just tell me how you got out of Purgatory.” I plead. “Be honest with me-“ My anger starts to grow. “-for the first time since you've been back.” I look down at the stone in my hands. The only bargaining chip I have. “And this is yours.” Cas stares at me silently. I am terrified of what he might say, or not say. I can’t look him in the eyes. Then, I hear a sound. A sound I’ve grown to love because I had associated it with backup, with winning, with Cas. But my hands go numb at the sound this time. I try to steady my breath as I look down at his hand, but there was no mistaking that sound. His blade is there. _This isn’t Cas._

His grip tightens on the handle and my heart beat begins to skip erratically. “Cas, Cas, I don’t know what the hell is wrong with you-” Cas steps forward and raises his arm. “-but if you’re in there and you can hear me, you don’t have to do this!” I raise the stone in defense and call his name once more. “Cas!” He slams his blade down on the stone and lightning flashes in the crypt. His steps falter for a moment and I use that to leap back and put more distance between us, but he regains… whatever he had, and comes at me again. “Cas, fight this! This is not you! Fight it!” I tell him. Cas lifts his blade again and strikes. More lightning flashes in the crypt and illuminate his face. _His face.._ It’s emotionless. Whatever piece of Cas in there is gone and replaced by a machine.

But then he falters again. This time he turns away, panting. “What have you done to me, Naomi?” _What the hell is going on?!_ “Who’s Naomi?” I demand. Cas is shaking his head with his hands over his ears. He lets them drop to his side as he bends over, panting. Instinct kicks in and I rush to his side and put my hand on his shoulder. “Cas?” I ask worriedly. Cas turns to me with a look of horror on his face and then it suddenly goes slack again as he backhands me into the wall. I grab the stone on the floor and try to run out of the crypt, but Cas suddenly appears in front of me. And then I make a mistake. For a moment, I stop trying to help Cas or defend myself and I throw a punch. Cas grabs my hand mid-swing. And for a moment time stops. I feel like I hit a brick wall. Cas glares at me, but with emotionless eyes…and then breaks my arm. I cry out in pain and drop the stone. I fall to my knees in pain as lightning flashes around us and the tablet breaks free from the stone. Cas has maintained his grip on my arm this entire time and is holding me down. I see him look down at the tablet. “You want it? Take it! But you’re gonna have to kill me first.” Cas looks down at me, nonchalantly. “Come on, you coward. Do it! Do it!” I yell. Cas brings his fist down and he begins to beat my face.

All my anger at him this entire time dissipates. All the frustration, the jealousy, the ignored prayers just melt away and I feel like sobbing. My brain begins to feel numb as each flash of pain hits me and I start to feel wetness on my face. I don’t know if it’s blood, or tears, or maybe a mixture of both. All I know is that Cas, my Cas, is doing this. _No, it’s not him!_ “Cas, this isn’t you. This isn’t you.” I plead, half trying to convince him, half trying to convince myself. He hits me again. And again. And again, until I am wheezing through the blood in my mouth. Cas tightens his grip on my arm and holds his blade up. “Cas. Cas.” I choke out. “I know you’re in there. I know you can hear me.” I reach out to him with my free hand and Cas freezes.

“Cas, it’s me.” My voice breaks and I know I’m crying.

“We’re family.” _Cas, don’t do this._

“We need you.” _Cas, please._

“I need you.”

“Cas.”

Cas’s eyes refocus and he immediately drops the blade. He lets go of my arm and takes a step back. I groan in pain and double over, trying to catch my breath. Cas bends down and picks up the tablet. A bright light fills the room and I try to cover my eyes. The light dies down and I see Cas holding the tablet. His eyes roam to me and he starts slightly. I can’t open my left eye, and my right eye is beginning to look fuzzy.  My ears are ringing and I feel really tired. I can’t see his face any more, but I see his hand coming closer to my face. _He’s going to smite me. What about Sammy?_   “No, Cas. Cas!”

He places his hand on the side of my face, which explodes in pain. _It’s happening._ Using my last bit of strength, I reach up and grab his sleeve for comfort. _One last time._ I grip it tightly and my vision turns to black. _Cas._

And then I feel fine. I feel his hand still on my face. I’m still on my knees, but I’m alive. I open my eyes and realize that he healed me. In disbelief, I let go of his sleeve and look wildly around before looking up at him. I can see his face again.

Cas shakes his head sadly. “I’m so sorry, Dean.”

“What the hell just happened?”

Cas takes me gently by the arm and lifts me up. “Naomi…” He trails off. “Naomi is another angel. She was the one responsible for getting me out of Purgatory. She has been conditioning me since I got back.”

“Conditioning? Like mind control, mind wipe stuff?”

Cas sighs, and looks away. “More or less.”

“So, Naomi has been controlling you since she got you out of Purgatory?”

“Yeah.” Cas answers sadly. _No wonder he’s been acting off…She was_ Winter Soldiering _him. But then…_

“Well, what broke the connection?”

Cas breaks eye contact and thinks for a moment. “I don’t know.” He answers, refusing to meet my eyes. I retrace our steps. I’m pretty sure I know what it was. “I just know that I have to protect this tablet now.” _You’re leaving?_ “From Naomi?” I clarify. “Yes.” He responds. Cas thinks for a moment and looks back at me. “And from you.”

I feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach. “From me? What are you talking about?”

And he disappears. I look around the empty crypt. “Cas? Cas! Damn it.”

“Dean!” Sam runs in and looks around the room. “Dean, where’s Cas?”

“He’s gone.” _Again._

_*_

_Goodbye stranger, it's been nice, hope you find your paradise_

_Tried to see your point of view, hope your dreams will all come true_

_Goodbye Mary, goodbye Jane, will we ever meet again_

_Feel no sorrow, feel no shame, come tomorrow, feel no pain._


	23. Return to Me

 

“He’ll be back in 24 hours. Return for him then.” Sam walks away with Ajay and I’m left alone on the street. I check my watch. _Might as well make the most of these 24 hours._ I pick up drive-thru on the way back to Kevin.

*

“Tell me when this whole thing ends.”

“Like I told you, this…isn’t going to end. The other guys have it easy, y’know? But you and me? We gotta carry a little extra weight.”

Kevin looks tiredly into his burger. “I can’t take it”. He reminds me of Sammy when he was younger. _Look man, I can’t take it either. With Cas gone…_ But Kevin needs me to be strong. “Yes, you can. Hey, look at me.” His dark eyes turn to me with the same hopelessness I see staring back at me every time I look in a mirror. “This whole thing sucks. I know.”

_“Cas. We’re family. We need you… I need you.”_

“But you suck it up. And you push through because that’s what we do.” I wish I could believe my own words, but it seems to get through to Kevin. He takes his food _and my pie_ and locks himself in his room.

*

I spend the rest of the day like I always do. Searching police scanners, news reports, hospital records, anything mentioning Cas or that stupid trenchcoat. I pray to Cas every couple of hours. I even remove the angel warding from the walls. I fall asleep on my desk with my finger still pressed to the T key. I wake up to my computer beeping because of the search bar being filled. Suddenly starving, I make my way to the little kitchen and start making breakfast. Kevin comes in the front door from hiding the tablet and shuts himself back into his room. As I stand there wondering how to get through to him, I hear a voice.

“Kids. So cute when they’re little…” I whip around to see a redhead in a dark gray pantsuit. _Angel._ “…Then they turn into teenagers and the party’s over.” She smiles and walks forward, hand outstretched. “We haven’t formally introduced, Dean. My name is Naomi.” At the sound of her name, I step back. _It’s you… You did this to him._ I begin to feel my blood boil. “Oh, I know who you are.” I reply darkly. “And I know what you did to Cas after he got out of Purgatory.”

“After I _rescued_ him from Purgatory, you mean. At the cost of many angel’s lives.” “You screwed with his head, and had him SPY on us!” This whole time, since I knew something was wrong with Cas, I never knew who to blame. Now, I can put a name to this punching bag.

“Well, it is true that I have spoken to Castiel many times.” She agrees. “Trying to reach out to him, trying to help him.” _How dare you say that?_ “Dean, you must have noticed how Purgatory changed him.” She laughs. “I mean, he was unstable in the past, but I was shocked at how damaged he is now.” I shake my head, trying to restrain myself a little longer. “Stop, okay? Don’t try to spin this.” _The only reason I haven’t stabbed you yet is that I need to know what you know._ “You think I don’t know that you told him to try and kill me?”

The _bitch_ sighs. “Yeah, I suppose that is how he would hear it.” For a brief second, I falter. _No, I know Cas. He didn’t want to do this. You’re lying._ _I’m going to smack that smug face right off you._ “When I learned of the angel tablet, I did tell Castiel to get it at any cost. That’s my job… to protect Heaven.” I get a bad taste in my mouth. My emotions begin to bubble up and I swallow thickly and turn away to compose myself. “I’m a warrior just as you are. What would you expect? And now Castiel is in the wind with a hydrogen bomb in his pocket and I- I’m scared... for all of us.” _Bullshit._ “Save it.” I bite. “See I don’t trust angels, which means I don’t trust you.” Naomi looks around. “And yet, you haven’t warded this place against us.” My eyes drop. She smiles pityingly at me. “I know. You’re hoping Castiel will return to you. I admire your loyalty. I only wish he felt the same way.” Even though I know she’s a snake, her words still cut me. _I hate you._ “I know you don’t wanna believe it, Dean, but we’re on the same side. Shutting the gates of Hell. Bringing Castiel in from the cold.” _You don’t care about him. You never did._

“Take a moment. Think about what I’ve said.” She turns to leave, but then stops, as if remembering something. “Oh, I know you’ve been doing business with Ajay.” My heart skips a beat. _Sammy._ “He did mention, didn’t he… that his way into Hell is through Purgatory?” She smiles smugly. “I knew you’d want to know.” My mind begins to race. _I barely got out of there alive, but I had help. Sammy’s alone!_ “You see, we can be of help to each other.” And then, she disappears.

I turn to the nearest object and hurl it across the room. Kevin comes out of his room. “Dean? What’s going on? Who were you talking to?” Without an answer, I storm out and drive straight to Ajay’s meeting place. _I should have gone with him. I should have gone instead. This is my fault._ After hurriedly parking, I see Ajay’s taxi parked off to the side. I see him sitting on the driver’s seat. “Ajay? Hey.” I hit the window, but he doesn’t respond. _Maybe he’s in a trance?_ Something doesn’t feel right, so I open his door and catch a whiff of blood. I curse loudly and slam my hand on the door. Walking away from the taxi, I pull out my phone and hesitate, before fixing my resolve and dialing.

A few rings and then a familiar voice answers. “Yeah?”

“Hey Benny.”

“Dean?”

“Yeah, yeah it’s me.”

“Long time, brother.”

“I know, I know, man. It’s been a long time. I mean I wanted to call, I did. It’s just that … thought it might be better if I didn’t.”

“So good to hear your voice, Dean. I mean that.”

I can’t bring myself to ask, so I stall a bit. “How you been?”

“Well, you know… I get by.” He drawls slowly.

“I guess I let you down, huh?” There’s a pause and I hold my breath.

“I’m just happy as hell to hear from you.”

_Now or never_. “You might change your mind about that.”

“Why? What you mean?”

“Benny, I gotta ask you for a favor. It’s a big one.”

*

I meet Sam up in Maine. He comes bursting through the portal and I breathe a sigh of relief. Sam tells me about Benny and how he sacrificed himself for Sam. I’ll never be able to repay him for that.

“Let’s put the old man where he belongs.” I say with a smile. Sam cuts his arm and says the incantation and Bobby’s soul floats into the sky. A black cloud envelops it and slowly brings it closer to the ground.

“Hello, boys.” Crowley. _Of course._ But then the cloud stops. We all turn and see Naomi smiling smugly. “Oh, come on!” Crowley groans. Naomi raises her hand and he disappears, the coward. With a flick of her wrist, Naomi sends Bobby’s soul up into the sky, into Heaven. She turns back to me. “See? I told you that you could trust me.” And then she disappears as well.

I don’t know what to believe anymore. 

*

“So what are we looking at again?” I lean back and grab the newspaper I stashed there earlier and toss it in Sammy’s lap. “Two women found near the freeway with their throats ripped out.” “Sounds vampy to me.” I supply. “Yeah, maybe.” Sam muses to himself. “Listen, if you wanna take a knee on this one if you’re not feeling up to it…” I trail off, not sure how to continue. “What?” Sam asks. “You know, the trials. What Cas said. That you got what he can’t cure…” “Which means what exactly?” Sam prods. “Well, I don’t know. You tell me. Are you okay?”

Sam scoffs. “I’m fine. Are you okay?” That catches me a bit off guard. “Me?” “Yeah. Cas dinged you up pretty good.” I don’t know what to say to that, so I just throw it back to him. “And?” “And I just wanted to make sure you’re okay.” Sam finishes quietly. _It’s my turn to talk…_ “What like my feelings?” _I don’t want to talk about him, Sammy._ “If that’s what you wanna talk about, sure.” Sam looks vaguely pleased with how the conversation is turning out, which is weirding me out. Sam looks at me expectantly. I literally have no idea where he’s going with this and I don’t like it. So, I just try to out-weird him. “Okay. I’ll tell you what. Why don’t I go get some, uh, herbal tea? And-” “Okay.” Sam gets out of the car. “Eat me, Dean.” “Good talk.” I say to myself.

*

Charlie comes to visit and I actually feel happy and distracted. Between searching for Kevin, Cas bailing _again,_ and now Sam getting worse, I have been constantly stressed and worried. Charlie coming is a breath of fresh air. _Gosh, how I missed her_. I take her to a clothes store nearby so she can buy herself an FBI outfit while I set up her fake ID. I’d like the conversation to stay light, but Charlie being Charlie bombards me with questions.

“So, trials? That’s never good.” “Yeah and our prophet is in the wind.” I grumble while fitting her ID together. “What about, uh, Castiel? He seems helpful… and dreamy.” “He’s MIA.” I say, ignoring her last comment. _Not her, too._ “With a tablet of his own, doing God knows what. I mean, to be honest, this whole thing is… I mean, Sam’s a tough son of a bitch, but Cas is saying that these trials…are messing with him in ways that even he can’t heal.” Charlie tries her best to reassure me, but I brush it off. “Time to work.”

Charlie and I head into the doctor’s office and I see her freeze out of the corner of my eye. She then suddenly reaches for her ID and holds it up. The movement catches my eye and I see her badge is upside down. I feel a sharp pang in my gut.

_“Deputy Frammigan? Hi. Alonzo Mosely, FBI. This is my partner Eddie Moscone.” Cas doesn’t move. ”… Also FBI.” I turn to Cas and see him holding his badge upside down. I sigh and fix it for him. “He’s.. he’s new.”_

*

After finding Kevin and learning about the third trial, I feel more confident. _One more trial to go, and then Sammy will be better._ Kevin decides to stay with Metatron- to ask questions and learn a little more about the tablets. I’m sure Metatron also just wanted company and more stories from the outside world. Sam and I drive back discussing our next step.

“I feel better, just having a direction to move in.” Sam tells me.

 I nod. “Well, good, because where we’re headed doesn’t sound like a picnic.”

“But we’re heading somewhere.” Sam says simply. “The end.” I don’t know how he can seem so at peace with this. I’m more of a wreck than he is, but his gentle smile helps me remember that’s all that matters. As long as Sammy is safe and okay.

I turn back to the road, contemplating. We’re almost to the bunker when I suddenly see a large shape in the middle of the road. I slam on the brakes and swerve. I see tan and practically leap out of the car, not believing my eyes. “Cas?” I call out. The bruised and bloodied figure looks up. A whirlwind of emotions erupts inside me- anger, disbelief, distrust, hope, excitement. “A little help here?” He asks weakly, then passes out.


	24. Trials and Sacrifice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My little fic called "Eggs" fits in right after the boys go see the priest- if you are all interested

 

Sam and I carry an unconscious Cas into the back seat. “Dean, I uh, I got it. You just sit back there and make sure he doesn’t roll around.” I try to think of an argument, but my mind is still reeling on the fact that Cas is here. Wordlessly, I toss the keys towards the front seat and settle into the back. “Hold him or something.” Sam calls back. I look ahead at the road and see it beginning to wind around. His head is resting on my thigh, so I just grip him tighter so I can keep him steady. We drive in silence. As the streetlights flit past, they illuminate the backseat which gives me a chance to finally get a good look at him. His head has a few dried cuts and scrapes and his stupid trenchcoat is dirty and unkempt. The smell of fresh blood draws my attention to his stomach. I lift part of his jacket and see blood ebbing slowly from his midsection. “Hurry up, Sammy. He’s bleeding bad.” I say gruffly. Even though Cas had left me again, I still have the need to take care of his sorry ass. I don’t have time to be mad at him right now.

After pulling into the garage, Sam opens the side door for me and grabs Cas by his shoulders. I grab his feet and we carry him into the nearest furnished room. I immediately start taking off his coat, jacket and shirt, as Sam runs to grab the sewing kit and a bottle of whisky. Once he returns, he starts to thread the needle, but I stop him. “You gotta rest, Sam. I can’t take care of two people right now.” Sam tries to protest, but ends up giving me the needle and walks out of the room.

I spend the next half-hour patching him up. _Why isn’t he healing himself?_ After stitching what looks to be a bullet hole and some sort of huge gash in his stomach, I pour some whiskey to clean it and decide to take a drink for myself. I sip from the bottle slowly, eyeing my work. Now that he’s stable and patched up, I finally have time to allow myself to think.

_“I just know that I have to protect this tablet now.”_

_“From Naomi?”_

_“Yes. And from you.”_

_Where is the tablet?_ I look around the room to see if we put it somewhere. _He lost it._ Cas left because he didn’t trust me. I’m not the one who was mind-controlled and beat the crap out of someone. He just left and ignored us. I prayed so many times. I needed him here and he didn’t come back. _He probably just came back to be stitched up. He’ll probably leave as soon as he wakes. Don’t get used to this._ I stand, my mind made up. Best to leave now and wait for the inevitable ditching that will come. I take one last look before I close the door. _He’ll probably be gone before we even wake up._

The next morning, I don’t even go near his room, which is hard because I hadn’t noticed it was the one right across from mine. I leave my room quickly and busy myself in the war room with Sam, bringing him books about the third trial. I wish he’d just sleep and take it easy, but he refuses to let up steam. He tries to keep it under wraps, but the occasional grimace will make its way to the surface.

“How are you feeling?” I ask cautiously.

“Honestly?” Sam sniffles. “Um, my whole body hurts. I feel nauseous and like I’m starving at the same time. And everything smells like rotting meat.”

“Maybe you should take a break, get some air.” I supply, hopefully.

Sam shakes his head. “Only thing that’s gonna make me feel better is finishing this.”

“All right. I’m gonna go get you some grub. Keep your strength up.” I turn to make my way to the kitchen and Cas is standing in the archway. “Morning.” I ignore him and keep walking.

I stand in the middle of the kitchen, trying to steel my emotions. _He stayed, but he’s probably about to leave. Don’t fall for it. Don’t notice him, don’t acknowledge him, don’t talk to him._ I open the fridge to grab some food for Sam. It’s empty except for one open beer. I try the cupboards. Beef jerky and Reese’s cups. I curse under my breath and place them all onto the tray. I try to arrange them nicely on the plate, but it looks so pathetic. _Come on, Dean. Where’s the real food? Sorry excuse for a brother. Take care of Sammy._ I shake my head, trying to cut out the voice and take the tray out to the war room. “Soup’s on.” I call, trying to be cheerful. And nonchalant. I take a swig of the beer to make sure it’s still good. It’s fine, so I nod and clap Sam on the back, trying to seem confident in my culinary choice. Sam stares at his tray. “A half-drunk beer, jerky, and three peanut-butter cups?” I falter. “Yeah, we’re… we’re running a little low…” Sam looks up at me tiredly. “I’ll make a run.”

I make my way to my jacket when Cas stands up. “Dean. I can go with you. Dean.” He tries again. “I’m sorry.” I turn around slowly trying to figure out how I’ll go about his. “For what?” I ask. Cas shakes his head. “For everything.” _Wrong answer._ “Everything? Like uh… Like ignoring us?” Cas looks down sadly. “Yes.” I keep going. “Or like bolting off with the angel tablet, then losing it.” Cas lowers his eyes. “Because you didn’t trust me? You didn’t trust _me_?” _What happened to you trying to protect me from Levitathan? What happened to giving anything for me? To always coming when I call? We’re brothers. You’re my best friend._ Cas still won’t meet my eyes. “Yes.” “Yeah… no that’s not gonna cut it. Not this time.” He looks up finally. “So you can take your little apology and you cram it up your ass.”

“Dean, I thought I was doing the right thing.” He tries quietly. “Yeah, you always do.” _You don’t even know that the right thing is anymore. I needed you here. I needed you, and you left me- again. How can I trust you, if you don’t trust me?_ Sam clears his throat and I realize we’ve been staring at each other. “Do we have a room 7B.” I put my keys down and walk with Sam to find the room. Cas starts to follow, but I stop him immediately. “Don’t.”

Sam and I find the room and walk inside. “Dude. Go easy on Cas, okay? He’s one of the good guys.” I turn to him, incredulous. “Dude, if anybody else, I mean anybody, pulled that kind of crap…I would stab them in their neck on principle. Why should I give him a free pass?” Sam opens his arms, shrugging. “Because it’s _Cas._ ” _Don’t you start right now._ I change the subject. “What are we supposed to be looking for down here?” “Um, anything on case 1138.”

*

Sam and I head back to the war room and Cas is actually still there. Sam puts the movie reel down and heads off to find a projector calling Cas with him. I head out for a quick grocery run. Sam sets the projector up while I put groceries away and make some popcorn. “Dangit! Forgot eggs. Man, I would kill for some scrambled eggs right now.” I sit back down, Sam starts it up, and we have an impromptu movie night.

The reel starts with a young, nervous looking priest. The camera pans to the demon in question, chained on the floor. “Hey those chains look like the ones we found in our dungeon!” Sam calls out excitedly. “Your what?” Cas asks. I ignore him. “Demon on a leash. Cool.” The reel continues with a differently worded exorcism. The older priest, cuts his hand and places it on the face of the demon. Suddenly, light rushes through the room and the body is on the floor- demon gone. The reel ends suddenly and we sit staring at the projector screen.

“That wasn’t a normal exorcism. They changed the words.” Sam notices. “I believe _lustra_ is Latin for ‘wash’ or ‘cleanse’.” He looks at me. “Yeah, because that was the most freaky thing was the vocabulary.” I turn back to Sam “What about the, uh, bloody high-five or the chest burster? Anything else on the film?” Sam brings his laptop closer. “Yeah, the older priest died in ’58, but the younger one is still alive and in St. Louis.” “Think it’s worth the drive?’ I ask, thinking about Sam’s worsening condition. “Yeah, I think so.” “All right, let’s roll.” I stand up and Cas stands as well. “Not you.” I point as him. “Sam is more damaged than I am.” He argues. “Yeah, well, you know, even banged up, Sammy comes through.” “Dean, I just wanna help.” He tries again. “We don’t need your help!” Cas shuts up. “Just stay here…” I say bitterly. “And get better.” Even though I’m pissed at him, I still want him to stay. If he stays, we can fix this, but not now. Now I need to worry about helping Sam finish the trials. If he stays, he commits. I turn around without another word and walk out.

*

As we drive home, I agree to make up with Cas. There’s no point staying pissed. We can fix this later. We arrive back at the bunker and I immediately pour into all of the priest’s old notes. Sam goes off to find Cas but comes back looking worried. “I can’t find Cas.” _Dammit._ “Do you think he blew town?” “Sounds like him.” I offer, and then change the subject.

*

Sam is inside the church making his confession and I’m setting up demon trapping bullets in case this goes sideways, when I hear the flapping of that stupid trenchcoat and Cas is suddenly standing next to me. “Dean, I need your help.” _Hello to you too._ “Little busy, Cas. Take a number.” I continue working. “I’m afraid this can’t wait. Naomi has taken Metatron.” _When did you two meet?_ “And you know Metatron how?”

“I’ve been working with him on the angel trials.” He says.

“The what?” _If these trials are the same as the ones we’re doing…That means you’ll be stuck in Heaven forever!_ “We’re going to shut it all down. Heaven, Hell, all of it.” I sit down on the bumper of the car, work done.

“You’re working with Metatron? Metatron. The guy who was full-on crazy, cat lady, hoarder angel yesterday… now he wants to save Heaven?” I ask. “Yes. He wants to. But I’m the only one who can.” _What are you talking about? I’ve seen what these trials are doing to Sam. They’re killing him. Why do you have to do it too?_ “I can’t fail, Dean. Not on this one. I need your help.” I stand up slowly. “You know Cas, that’s all well and good, but you’re asking me to leave Sam when we’ve got Crowley tied and tressed. Now if anybody needs a chaperone while doing the heavy lifting, it’s Sam.” Unbeknownst to me, Sam has walked up and heard everything I just said. “You should go. Seriously.” “Oh what and leave you here with the king of Hell? Come on.” Sam looks back at the Church. “I’ve got this. And if you guys can lock the angels up too, that’s a good day.” _But what about Cas?! Has no one thought about that?_ “Look, I’m down with sending the angels back to Heaven just because they’re dicks.” _Not Cas, though._ “But the demons? This is on us. Start the injections now. If I’m not back in eight hours, finish it. No questions, no hesitation.” Sam nods. “Yeah.”

I turn to the trunk and grab the two tablets. Cas grabs my shoulder and we fly to the bunker to meet up with Kevin.

*

We stop by the bunker and give Kevin both tablets. Cas puts the “fear of God” in him when he starts getting pissy, then we head off again. Cas drops us off at a bar. A nice gesture, but he tells us that the next trial is to get the bow from a cupid. He says he’s off to find someone for the bartender to fall in love with and flies off again. I sit down and order a beer. _Might as well enjoy myself._ After about an hour, Cas pops back in. “Anything?” I ask. “You were gone long enough.” “No.” He responds. “There was one female but… I don’t think she was female. Anything here?” I gesture to my beer. “Free drinks. Your buddy over there thinks you saved his life.” Cas turns to the bartender and makes a peace sign. _Okay, John Lennon_. Cas looks down at my beer. “Do you really think it’s wise to be drinking on the job?” “What show you been watching?” I retort. It’s nice. Feels like we’re back to normal. It’s been a while since me and Cas got to hang out and actually relax. Even if we’re waiting for our job, I’m still gonna make the most of it.

“Talk to me. You sure about this?” I ask, taking another swig from the bottle. “I mean it’s one thing, me and Sammy slamming the gates to the pit, but you… you’re boarding up Heaven, then you’re locking the door behind you.” I hand him my beer. Cas stares straight ahead and takes a sip from my bottle. “Yeah, I know.” He sounds sad, but I press on. “You did a lot of damage up there, man. You think they’re just gonna let that slide?” Cas puts my bottle down and turns to me. “You mean, do you think they’ll kill me? Yeah, they might.” _Why are you doing this, Angel? You don’t need to sign your own death warrant._ “So this is it.” I try to hide the disappointment in my voice. _Last night on earth._ “E.T. goes home.” I almost want to give up/give in/whatever I have to do and say screw it. Cas looks over at me, a strange look on his face. I meet his eyes and before I get the chance to make any decisions, the door opens. I roll my eyes and shake the idea out of my head.

A voice from the door catches my attention. “Where’s Ed?” “Flu. I’m Gail.” The woman who walked in responds. I turn to Cas. “Showtime.” The bartender helps the woman with the kegs she just rolled in as she smiles at him and the random dude sitting at the bar. I turn back to Cas. “Oh my gosh. This is like the first five minutes of every porno I’ve seen.” I say in disgust. The bartender introduces Gail to the dude sitting at the bar. “Rod rides the stool here most days.” After the bartender signs her invoice, she touches both men on the shoulders, says “I’ll be seeing you both,” and leaves. We sit there confused. _Where’s the cupid? Weren’t they supposed to fall in love?_ The bartender and Rod watch the tv where an archer is shooting an arrow at a target. Once it hits, they both say in sync “Damn, that’s sweet.” They seem to notice each other there and turn to stare into each other’s eyes as if they’re meeting for the first time. “How about the next one’s on me?” The bartender asks. _Oh… oh!_ My jaw kinda drops. _Plot twist._

Cas gets up and walks towards the door, leaving me staring at the two newly struck lovebirds.

*

Cas and I get between the cupid and her truck. “Hello brother.” She says to Cas. She looks at me and smiles knowingly. _What’s up with you?_ “Give us your bow.” Cas instructs. “What?” Cas steps forward, blade drawn. “Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey.” I step forward and stop Cas with my arm against his chest. I get between them and come in close to Cas. “Talk first, stab later.” Cas looks at me disapprovingly.

“I’ve been scared to go home for some time now. Orders used to come once a day, and now it’s chaos. It all seems to be breaking down.” She sighs and turns to Cas. “And you think you can fix that?” She asks hopefully. “With time, yes.” He nods. She holds out her hand and a little cupid’s bow appears like a tattoo. “Take it then.” Cas makes a small incision on her hand and cuts out the tattoo. Her hand heals instantly and the tattoo turns into like a small cloud that Cas catches in a small vial.

As we walk away from the bar, I get a call from Kevin. “I found ‘trials’, but I don’t see anything about a cupid’s bow or a Nephilim.” I hear a flutter of wings and turn to see Naomi standing in front of Cas. “I’m not here to fight you, Castiel. Not anymore.” She says, arms extended as a sign of peace. I put the phone down. Cas strides up to her angrily.

“Where is Metatron?”

“He told you he was going to fix Heaven, didn’t he? Murdering a Nephilim, cutting off a cupid’s bow? It’s a lie. All of it.” Cas turns to me confused. “I’ve been in his head.”

“You’ve been in all our heads. That’s the problem.” Cas corrects.

 “No, Castiel. You’re wrong.” She pleas.

He shakes his head. “This is what you do. You twist things. I am trying to fix Heaven. Metatron is trying to fix Heaven.”

“Metatron isn’t trying to fix anything! He’s trying to break it. An act of revenge for driving him away.”

“Break it how?” I cut in. “Dean.” Cas warns, turning to me.

“Expel all angels from Heaven.” Naomi says sadly. “Just as God cast out Lucifer.” She’s tearing up now, and I’m starting to doubt Metatron. _What if she’s telling the truth?_

“Cast you out? To where? Hell?” I ask.

She shakes her head, tears running freely now. “Here. Thousands of us, walking the earth.”

Cas starts forward, blade drawn. “Lies!”

“Wait!” I hold Cas back again.             

“Our mission was to protect what God created. I don’t know when we forgot that.” She shakes her head sadly. She turns to me and swallows thickly. “I want nothing more than to see you shut the gates of Hell. But I told you that you could trust me. If Sam completes those trials, he is going to die.”

“What the hell are you talking about?” I demand.

“I saw it in Metatron’s head. It was always God’s intention. The ultimate sacrifice.” She turns back to Cas. “As for you, Castiel. I beg of you, stop this path. Metatron has been neutralized. If you want back in, truly I will listen.” And then she flies off.

I lift the phone back to my ear, praying Kevin is still on the phone. “Hey, talk to me right now. Is she lying?” “I don’t know…” He starts. “Well, find out!” “She’s lying” Cas says. I hang up and turn to him. “Take me to him.” “Dean.” Cas tries again. “Take me to him now!” Cas grabs my shoulder and we fly to the church. Right before I walk in, Cas calls after me. “Dean. I’m not wrong. I’m going to fix my home.” Before I can ask him to stay, to rethink this, to help me with Sam, he flies away. “Cas?!”

*

 _Sam is screaming. Sammy is screaming Why is Sammy screaming?!_ I carry Sammy outside and sit him against the car. _Sammy can’t breathe._ “Cas! Castiel!” I scream. “Where the hell are you?” Sam continues to groan and hunch over, but the screaming has stopped. “Sammy?” The sky thunders loudly and I look up. Thousands of lights are falling in the sky. _The angels._ “No, Cas!” I see the closest star falling and I can make out the shape of a man. It careens down and lands in the lake near us. The splash wakes Sammy up. “What’s happening?” He groans.

“Angels. They’re falling.”


	25. A Note From the Author

Thank you to all who have been following this story!!! Since it's becoming so long, I'm making this the part one of TST series! So head on over to part 2: A Fallen Angel and let me know what you think :)

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos, and I'll continue the story. Comment what you liked!


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